guilt

(5w 1d)

feeling slightly guilty with the thoughts I had when I found out I was pregnant this time  : /  it was a mix of positive and negative. on one hand, I was beyond shocked and excited that it finally happened, but then on the other, I felt robbed. I can't even explain it, and I feel absolutely terrible that those thoughts even entered my brain considering how long we've been TTC and how badly we've wanted to be parents. not to mention all the women struggling...

I had selfish thoughts. i'm not sure if they were genuine, or just part of the shock. for a few moments, I didn't want to give up our kid free life. i'm slightly terrified of the way its going to change things. we won't be able to just leave on a quick ride on the motorcycle because we'll have to get someone to watch the baby. we'll forever have to be getting babysitters. I want to be able to continue my step class after baby to lose the extra weight, but I don't know how feasible it will be to pay for the classes, then also pay for a sitter while i'm at the class since DH has fire practice at the same time. if I did the morning class, i'd still have the problem of having to get someone to watch the baby. I wanted to stick with the class so that I always had a guaranteed night of working out instead of having to make sure I work it into my day at some point during the week.

see? selfish. and I hate myself for even having those thoughts. I don't want to completely give up the way we live now, but obviously a lot of things will be changing. there's not really a choice in the matter. i'm hoping my love for our child will completely negate these feelings, because i'm terrified that I may feel resentful for the changes that will be coming  : /

I just want to say, to those reading this and still TTC, I totally get that you won't appreciate this incredibly honest post. I myself partly hate myself for feeling the need to share it, but I felt it was important to touch on in case anyone else felt the same.... don't hate me  : (

just 2 more weeks

(4w 6d)

in another 2 weeks, i'll have made it as far as I did last time...

got to talk to my doc today to figure out the game plan for the first trimester. I wasn't very optimistic that i'd get anything since the nurse was fairly sure of herself saying they're standard protocol was to wait until 20 weeks for any USs... so the doc asked the usual questions, "your last lmp, how far along do you think you are" and I answered them and said I was kinda scared because all I can think of was the MC and how anxious it made me this time.

she decided to prescribe progesterone to last me til I reach 10 weeks (at which point the placenta takes over) and requested an US for around the 7 week mark so that we for sure see a heartbeat. so until I get the US and know there's a heart beating away in there, i'm on pelvic rest to give baby ample time to implant properly. that also means no strenuous exercise til that point. so no jogging or step class for the time being. i'm bummed cuz I have that colour me rad 5k race the weekend before I hit 7 weeks, so I won't have any time to warm up my legs and I probably won't be able run much of it and will instead have to take my time. something i'm sure my sister isn't anticipating since she won't know about the pregnancy til some time later in july when we tell the rest of the family.

so I called the US/Xray dept at the hospital to schedule the US and I was lucky enough to get one the day my dad comes into town, i'll be about 7w 1d. the US will be at the same time they land, so i'm hoping we'll make it home long before they get there. at first I wasn't going to have one until the week after, but she took a second look and I got lucky. so we'll be telling my dad when he's here about the pregnancy because we want to tell him in person since he's conveniently here, and we might also tell DH's dad the same day because that's conveniently his bday, lol.

i'm just still in such disbelief at how this happened and the timing of it all. just, wow!

Brutal Honesty

(4w 1d)

i'm terrified. the last time I got a BFP, there was another 7 within a month's span in my little FB group. 2 of us MC'd keeping the "1 in 4 pregnancies end in MC" stat alive and well. so far, i'm one of 3 BFP's I know of so far, but I have a feeling there will be more coming and i'll be the one to MC again  :'( its really hard fighting those feelings, its deja vu for me. I just want it to be our turn. we've been waiting more than long enough!

Holy Freaking Shit!

EDD: February 24, 2014

Beyond shocked to say the least since we just came off a break and made a half-assed attempt this cycle. as DH would say "didn't expect it to happen that fast".

as I mentioned last post, I had some cramping around 5dpo. I assumed indigestion since I was trying to write anything hopeful off cuz I was convinced it wouldn't happen naturally for us and that we'd be moving onto fertility testing come the fall. that cramping continued pretty much every day in some form or another, but again, deciding it was all in my head in an effort to keep my expectations low. the kicker was Thursday, 10dpo, when my boobs ached instead of just being tender and then cramping almost immediately after having some eggs in my lunch. once that happened, I was fairly certain something was different since eggs haven't been affecting me since some time before xmas.

luckily, I didn't have step class that night so I waited for DH to leave for fire practice and took a test for curiosities sake. I had just peed less than an hour before, but it looked concentrated enough so I thought "what the hell". next thing I knew, that second line popped up. I didn't even know what to do next, lol. it had been 18 months since I saw something other than a BFN or an evap... I remembered I had a digital test so I figured i'd use it to to further cement the idea that this was real since the line on the cheapie was fairly visible. that came up positive as well. holy freaking shit, I'M PREGNANT!

last thing I was expecting right before fathers day was this! so I went out and got DH an early fathers day card  : )  we had plans to see the new superman movie with some other couples, so he still didn't know anything was in the works. when we got home, he finally got to see the card and tests on the counter and was in disbelief. "fuck off, really?" I had to keep telling him "yes, really". on the inside of the card I wrote down the EDD and he got a shit eating grin on his face and rubbed my belly.



we're beyond excited, but also scared shitless because of what happened last time. I've got an apt next week (i'll be about 4w6d) to figure out if i'll get to have an early US and if i'll be getting blood tests or just their standard urinalysis. I'm really hoping I get what I want because god knows it would be nicer to know sooner rather than later that there isn't anything even growing.

the timing of this just kind of worked out somewhat perfectly. not sure how we got lucky enough for that to happen... we're really hoping for that early US so that (fingers crossed) we can tell my dad when he comes out for my sister's wedding and then tell the rest of our families at some point between the wedding and august long weekend. I don't want to wait til we go out to the cabin this year because DH won't be there til a few days after me and I won't be able to drink or drive the seadoo, and I don't want him to miss out on telling everyone. i'm guessing we'll make it official for everyone some time around our anniversary or early sept. we'll see how it goes first. i'm hoping we'll still be able to go to Ontario for xmas since i'll be between 30-32 weeks. and thankfully, end of February is a slow time as far as family bdays go, so LO will be lucky enough to not have their bday in the middle  : )  DH was worried about the possibility of a leap year baby, til I broke his bubble to tell him the leap year was only last year, lol.



still can't believe this is real... i'm just hoping for nothing but good news from here on out!

(cycle 34, day 30, 14 dpo, 3w6d)

crunch time

(cycle 34, about a week post O)

symptoms: possibly some convenient cramping that could be related to implantion... that's about it. trying not to test til at least sunday. I can only handle seeing a BFN so many times...


last night we went over what we need to have done and when. at some point in the next 3 weekends, we'll be putting down tile in the ensuite! holy shit! we need to have tile down by Canada day weekend because our vanity is being installed july 4th. we've also started talking about carpet and whatnot. I never thought we'd get to this point.

a couple weeks ago we had a leak in the basement (a window that was previously fixed) because of a major downpour, so its a bit of a mess right now with everything moved out of the way. DH is gonna organize it soon and after we clean the house for when my dad gets here, we're going to be sleeping in the basement until the carpet gets installed, probably end of july so I can finish mudding everything upstairs. i'm not looking forward to basically living in the basement, but i'm hoping its a limited amount of time. just enough to move furniture out of the bedroom so we can rip up the old carpet and then get the new carpet installed.

lots of work got done last weekend. like lots! I didn't get much headway on the mudding, but again, time vortex. dh got lots done though. he finished tearing out the old framing in the old bedrooms and even got a start on framing the new walls. the new bedroom size is awesome! it feels huge compared to what it was since the wall moved about 3 feet. its nice being able to see it go up. it sure helped dh picture what its going to finally look like since I had an idea in my head. at least now i'll have somewhere to go when i'm finally finished mudding the addition so I can keep working. the garage is just an after thought right now. at some point we'll get to it, hopefully.

so yep, crunch time. so much to do in the coming weeks!

old wall torn down, new wall put up! and the
lines on the floor marking where the rest
of the walls will be

lost track

(cycle 34, 2dpo)

I've already lost track of exactly which cycle day i'm on, lol. I could count the actual number, but i'd rather not. dpo count is easy since it was only Monday when I Od...

I don't have more optimism after our break. probably due to the fact that in 34 cycles, we didn't have a shot in hell in probably 12 of those cycles, so the number where we actually had a chance is down to 22. out of those 22 cycles, I only got pregnant once. not very good odds. so yeah, not optimistic. I think at this point, if I ever get to get see another BFP, i'll be in complete and utter shock. a very welcome surprise, but dumbfounded by shock. that's how much i'm not expecting us to ever get pregnant  :-/

time vortex

(cycle 34, day 16)

we may not have put in a huge effort this cycle TTC, but we did get at least one BD in  : )  had ewcm last week and then a pos OPK yesterday and my typical O day cramping today. so today is O and I begin the 2ww tomoro. not looking forward to AF being due on father's day, but it is what it is. I just don't like when it falls on a holiday cuz it sets myself up for a bigger disappointment when it doesn't happen. crossing my fingers it doesn't, but i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch.


oh, and that time vortex? mudding the addition is taking me hours upon hours to finish, and i'm only on the bedroom! i'm really hoping that its because its the first coat and the next 2 will go much faster. the first sucks so much when doing corners because you have to put the mud in the corners and then put up your corner bead, then more mud on top of that. so its basically 2 coats in all the corners for the first one. but I've now got all the corners in the bedroom done and the straight ones wont take me long and neither will the next 2 coats. every time I go in there to work, when I come out for something I think its only been an hour and I ended up wasting about 2 or 3 in there. not wasting per say, but time passes so fast in there that I've dubbed it the time vortex  : P