weight battle

i wish it wasn't so hard to eat right all the time and that I didn't love sweets and carbs as much as I do. I was doing great just before valentine's day but then I had a piece of cheesecake every day for a week afterwards. I ran out of fruit so I haven't been eating enough fruits/veggies the last week. I've been trying to get veggies in and have been doing pretty good with it, but I need to be eating more fruits to get back to having about 3-5 servings a day vs my maybe 1 serving a day...

basically I just wish it was easier to be healthy without having to contemplate every single bite I put in my mouth. I feel like I have to be too careful about what I eat because while I was doing great for losing weight, in the last week and a half I've completely undone all my hard work  : (  I just want to get back into the jeans I was wearing before getting pregnant last summer. I feel like i'll never get there and they will sit there forever mocking me and being a waste of money since I only wore them for a whole 3 months before being too pregnant to wear them anymore and have yet to wear them again. I seriously hate this whole situation. it shouldn't be this fucking hard. its 5 pounds. that's it, 5 pounds separates me from wearing them but I just can't manage to do it.

my body is foreign to me

my cycles no longer make sense to me  : (  I thought I had my body figured out, but these last 2 cycles I don't know what's what anymore and I'm getting incredibly frustrated by it. last cycle I had an unusually long cycle, the longest I've ever had but I was fairly confident about my O day because the signs lined up with my usual signs and timing. but then AF showed up 5 days later than I expected. this cycle, I was pretty sure of when I Od, but yet again, no AF... I thought she would show up Tuesday and if not then Wednesday and I would just have a 13 day LP like I've sometimes had before, I'm now 15dpo and it doesn't feel like AF is coming and there's only a tiny chance that I could be pregnant (like it would have to be from pre-ejac or be an immaculate conception cuz even though we did BD on cd14, we didn't finish with actual BDing, kwim?) but that tiny chance would even be more far fetched than me getting pregnant last time when we only BDd once the week I was fertile.

I just don't know what to make of it anymore. the good thing is that i'll be using OPKs again next cycle, but I have to actually get into that next cycle to do so. I guess I have to start using OPKs even when we're not TTC just so I'm not left wondering wtf is up when AF doesn't show up when I thought she would... that or start temping again, but I don't want to start doing that... but I might have to at this point  : (

i'm a blog slacker

I've really been slacking in the blogging dept... oops. there just hasn't been much going on other than the same ol' same ol' with the house and having not TTC this past cycle, there's no symptoms to hunt for or anything so I'm just waiting out my 2ww, which should be coming to a close any day now unless I have a repeat of last cycle...

I did do some shopping this past weekend with a friend and bought a number of things, one being a new pair of running sneakers for winter running  : )  last time I ran in the winter with my normal shoes, I could feel the cold air on my feet and the breeze just going right through them, not to mention if they got wet my feet were soaked as a result. not with these new puppies! like I don't have enough running shoes as it is and I go and buy another pair  : P  but now I have one for everything so I shouldn't need anymore other than to replace ones that have started losing their support and are doing more harm than good to me... these new ones so far are great. they aren't my usual Saucony's, but that's because Saucony don't make a shoe for winter running, but Asics does. it was so nice running on packed snow without worrying about losing my grip or having soaked socks (haven't run through puddles yet, but its not quite the season for it : P ). so i have a pair of runners for step class, a pair for summer or treadmill running and a pair for winter running. i think its safe to say i'm set  ; )

regrouped

thankfully my short temper was limited to the anniversary week of our first loss since its now dissipated for the last week. though I'm thinking it might come back the closer I get to our 2nd due date, especially as those who got pregnant around the same time start giving birth, like one did yesterday. I could feel those feelings starting to creep back in  :-/  I have a couple more to get past plus the due date itself, so I'm hoping my anger and sadness doesn't last long...

I'm also going to, for the first time, decline going to a baby shower in april. it helps that its on my birthday so I have a decent excuse to get out of it. I don't want to subject myself to any more baby showers until there's a healthy baby growing inside me. my heart can't take it and I know dh doesn't want the crying wife I become when I get home from them. or least that was the case the last time I went to one... both showers I only knew 1 person other than the mother to be so last time I was basically sitting there totally alone the entire 2-3 hours. it was terrible. especially with everyone else either talking to other friends or about babies/kids or tending to said babies/kids, neither of which I have to make conversation with anyone. it didn't help that I was still emotionally healing from our first loss so it was like a kick to the gut to sit there through it when it was around the same time I would've been having my own baby shower. since that shower, I've seen a lot of blog posts that have been shared on FB about how ppl shouldn't expect their infertile friends to go to baby showers because of the toll it takes on us emotionally and that we ourselves shouldn't feel bad for declining those invitations. something I plan on heeding this time to save myself the heartbreak.

we've decided to just skip over ttc this cycle (the one who's due date would be in the same week as the BFs wedding) and get back at it next cycle and what will be will be. I'm still fully convinced it will take 8+ cycles to conceive again and my thought is that we'll get there faster by not taking breaks. so if that's the case, I think we're 4 down and another 4 ttc cycles to go... which if it takes 8 cycles puts us at may which is the same time we conceived our last one  :-/  not sure how I feel about that. but it could happen sooner and it could also take longer. I'm hoping the former. I'm just glad we talked about it, or well I talked about it since DH wasn't wanting to take the break in the first place  : P

reconsidering

yesterday I had a sudden feeling like we shouldn't be completely avoiding pregnancy over these 2 months... maybe its all the BFPs I've seen lately... maybe I'm just coming to terms with a possibility of missing my BFs wedding... idk. but yesterday I had this feeling like we should NTNP these 2 cycles and let whatever is going to happen, happen. I mean, what are the chances I'd conceive anyway? given my track record for conceiving, its highly unlikely until we get closer to 8 ttc cycles post-MC anyway, so I have incredibly low hopes of it happening during these cycles. I'm not sure how I'd feel if it did happen and then my plans of being in my BFs wedding basically go out the window, though there's also a chance I'd MC again so it wouldn't matter if I got pregnant.

I still have yet to tell DH how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and I'm already almost post-O this cycle being that I'm cd14 already. I wouldn't make a point about BDing when I'm fertile, just if the mood strikes us when I am to take advantage of it instead of wasting it. it would get us closer to 8 cycles post-MC faster... seeing as how we're 4 cycles of ttc out of 6 post-MC now...


*it took 16 & 18 cycles both pregnancies, but there was only a chance of anything happening in 8 & 11 cycles respectively both times (the 8th & 11th cycles being the successful ones, if you can call it that) so that's why I'm inclined to think we'll take that long each time*