grief

I've very recently realized that I'm no longer feeling the soul crushing grief from our losses that I felt before. I realized it when hearing about another's loss. it was the first time I wasn't brought back to that black hole and feeling sorry for myself all over again. I just felt complete empathy.

of course I still miss our babies every day, but the hurt has definitely lessened. that's not to say I don't have my moments. I still wish I had either or both of them with us, to know if they were a boy or girl, who they resembled more, who's personality they took on, to snuggle them forever... i'll never get that back and I may never experience it, but I'm doing far better than I have been in a long time with regard to loss.

: )

progress

(cycle 48, day 15)

I'd been getting frustrated with my opks since they didn't seem to be getting any darker as the days went on, but finally yesterday it started getting somewhere and am hoping to get a positive opk today, if I don't today, i'll still be frustrated  : P  its definitely not far off though at this point.

last Friday I thought I was suffering from OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome), but I think it was another gall bladder attack (or at least what I think is a gall bladder attack since it fits with the symptoms and I've had it happen a number of times, my aunt pointed it out at xmas and its been on my mind whenever I feel like that; nausea, indigestion, upset stomach...). its unfortunate that the symptoms are similar so its hard to tell which it really was, but I'm inclined to think it was the gall bladder given what's going on fertility wise this week.

so I don't think I was dealing with OHSS last week because this week I've felt my ovaries all day for the last 24 hours. similar to O pain, but it hasn't gone away. so I doubt the pain I had last week was related to my body producing a lot of follicles if I'm just now feeling that way. I'm hoping I'm growing a couple good follicles and hopefully at least two of them erupt and at least one of them implants and becomes a baby. I'd like as high a possibility as possible to get pregnant... please and thank you!


I was incredibly frustrated with my body since I was hoping clomid would bring back my normal O on cd14 body to me. I mostly hoped that because I already O on my own and most women who take clomid don't O ever, or rarely and then on clomid O at some point between cd14 and cd20. I guess my body is just responding that same as it does for those women. i'll be glad if next cycle I O at the same time as this cycle because at least that would be some kind of regularity, which I haven't had in a long time. and if I do, I won't have to worry about going away overnight next cycle and missing an opportunity because i'll have Od before leaving (which makes me wish I had taken an extra day of travel, stupid unpredictableness!). after next cycle (the last one on clomid) I think we might take a break from actively ttc and go back to just having sex when we want to and not worrying about it being when I'm fertile or not. I'm tired of scheduling sex and I know DH is too, moreso than me, but he's been a trooper with scheduled BDing since the last MC. I'm just over it at this point. if clomid doesn't help, I strongly feel that we'll need more intervention. and if that's the case, why ttc on our own in the months between clomid cycles and going to the RE? plus, October would be a great month to take a break: i'll be in Ontario pretty much at the start of my fertile time and I'm going solo for the first 5+ days. I won't be seeing DH til around O day or after, so there will be very slim chances that cycle. it'll be a good break, a needed break at that point.

wishful dreams

i had a dream last night that I was pregnant, like full term pregnant. big round belly and everything  :'(  we were travelling somewhere and I was just at the cutoff for being able to fly (for whatever reason 37 weeks was the cutoff and I was like 36w6d. throughout my dream, my belly was shrinking like as if the baby was disintegrating. I just looking fluffy around the belly and not hugely pregnant anymore. it was heartbreaking, gut wrenching, everything. the one thing we want more than anything, I had it in a dream and even in the dream it got taken away from us.


and of course the other part of me is hoping this is somewhat of an omen that we'll be getting pregnant in the very near future... if we weren't ttc, I wouldn't even think anything of my dream. grr.

clomid

(cycle 48, day 7)

how the hell has it been 48 cycles since my last birth control pill?!  : (

I picked up my first round of clomid last thursday. for 5 little pills, it was pretty expensive, but if I get a sticky THB from it, it'll be the best money I ever spent.

tonight is my last dose this cycle and so far I'm not noticing any side effects, except maybe a bit of a nagging headache, but its a dull, almost unnoticeable, headache. I was expecting to be a raging bitch already and other than being a bit more emotional that usual on Saturday, I wouldn't even really call any of this symptoms of the clomid. maybe I'm just lucky to not be experiencing any.

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't at least a little unsettling to not be experiencing any side effects. I've heard so many stories of women dealing with hot flashes, headaches, raging hormones, the list goes on, but I'm not getting any of it. at least not yet. i'll be honest that I don't really know when most of those symptoms start showing up, but I figured it would be only a couple days after starting them, which should be by now, but nothing. I wish there was a way to know earlier if its doing its job or not sooner than getting a positive OPK, like say the last dose there was a test to somehow tell you that, yes, its working, you have x amount of follicles growing and should O in x amount of days. if only, eh?

I've heard a lot of success stories about women only needing to do one cycle to get a BFP, so of course that's also in the back of my mind right now. I have so much hope for this cycle, but there's also that other half of me saying that if it hasn't happened by now, what difference would clomid make? but again, so many other women try without success, use clomid, and bam, pregnant.

I hate ttc.

hopeful for nothing

(cycle 47, day 32, 13 dpo)

I wish I had a chance to temp over the weekend, but sleeping somewhere else wasn't going to be reliable enough for me. so I had that crazy temp dip on 8dpo, my temp recovered on 9dpo, or at least as far as I can tell since I only got 3 hours of sleep and temped about 2.5 hours early.... even with an adjusted temp, it was up slightly over other post O temps and then we were away for 3 nights. my temp this morning was still kinda high for post O, but just slightly lower than majority of my other LP temps so it seems as though its on its way down.

over the weekend I had a few things that made me think it was possible to be pregnant, a couple headaches here and there (but could be explained by a lack of water consumption), some tightness or slight cramps here and there (don't think I can explain those away on something else, but I could be looking way too hard at insignificant things), and didn't feel well most nights. I did break down and buy a 2-pack of FRERs and tested Saturday and Monday morning while away, but predictably they turned up BFN. I'm hoping its just not quite high enough to be picked up on a test, but given I got a BFP 4-5 days after implantation cramping (which happened at 5-6dpo both times), once its about 4-5 days after something that could have been implantation, I get a bit bummed if I don't see a BFP.

it sucks that this cycle likely didn't work, I'm getting really tired of trying and really tired of DH having hissy fits, but at least the next 2 cycles i'll get clomid. that should hopefully give us a boost and if those 2 cycles don't work, i'll feel like we're not going to have much of a choice in the way our family is made. at that point, I'm guessing it will either be IUI or IVF for us, or no kids at all.

why is this one taking so long compared to the others? I know the others were longer calendar wise, but this one is taking longer cycle wise where there was a chance.

a comparison chart

(cycle 47, day 27, 8 dpo)

remember 2 days ago when I said I wasn't hopeful and to ask in a few days if I still felt that way?

now I feel hopeful  : P  last night I started feeling something in my pelvis, but it was very minor so didn't think much of it. this morning I woke up to a crazy low temp, like below normal pre-O temps. I even temped again right after to make sure the thermometer was working properly and still got a low temp, but more like my pre-O temps. I usually have a dip around 8dpo, but its not a major one like today (0.4-0.6C), its just a small one (0.1ishC). so of course that's got me thinking implantation dip  : P  I haven't had significant cramping like before, but the day is young and there's still time for that to happen, lol.

a bit of a comparison:

Cycle 43 - possible chemical pregnancy

Cycle 47 - this cycle

I didn't mark down the possible BFP at 8dpo on the cycle 43 chart, but you can clearly see the possible implantation dip at 6dpo, which is the day I had the major cramping. up until yesterday, I thought this cycle was just another average cycle since my temps were fairly steady, until it dropped like crazy this morning. since I'm getting up at the ass crack of dawn tomoro morning, I don't think my temp will be reliable, but i'll temp anyway just to see if when its adjusted, where it lands on my chart. I also won't be temping while away for the weekend because those temps will also be unreliable with sleeping somewhere different in a different environment.

I only have one cheapie left so I don't want to waste it by testing too early and not having any to use when I get back, but with the dip, I desperately want to test Saturday morning so I know if I can drink or not at the wedding... I probably won't drink much anyway, unless we decide to cab it back to the hotel, but I also don't want to get drunk if there's a baby making a home. I did just buy a 2 pack of FRER's..... I could take one with me and still have one at home.... what's a test-aholic to do?!?!?!

one down, 3 to go

I got my cd21/7dpo blood test done today, along with the STI tests. i'll also get to find out what my blood type is finally, lol. good thing I've never asked for that test to be done before, apparently its only free when it has to do with fertility testing, yikes! I don't want to know what it would cost...

I just have one last round of testing done to do my part, cd3. I'm not sure when that will fall, if it will be during the week or on the weekend since I'm not entirely confident that I'm 7dpo. I'm fairly certain, I had O cramps on cd19, but my temps suggest cd20 as O day unless I use the research method on FF. but I'm going with cd19 because it makes the most sense with opk results and the cramping. if that's the case, cd3 will be as late as next Friday with my now usual 13 day LP. but if I did O on cd20 (one day difference shouldn't have much of an effect on progesterone levels, if any), its possible cd3 won't be until next Saturday. in which case, all labs in the area are closed. boo! so when I was being sucked dry of blood, I asked the tech what to do in that case and she said to just get the nurses at registration to make a note that I might be in on the 16th so that I don't get hassled by them for coming in on a weekend to get that done. I wouldn't want to have to wait god knows how many cycles to get cd3 on a weekday! with the way my body has been acting lately, I wouldn't put it past it to do that to me.

so all that's left is DH's testing. something I'm hoping he'll do sooner rather than later since he's now the one we'll be waiting on to get that referral in. his blood test will be easy, he can just use a lunch hour to do it, its the taking 2 hours off work plus a lunch hour to go to the city, and it not be right in the middle of a week that I'm fertile... that's going to be the hard part since by the time he'll have the time to go, it might be time to get BDing... grrr. so I guess either way, that referral won't be getting in til early September even though my cycle messing up made it possible to get my testing done earlier than I expected to. go figure.

to hope or not to hope

(cycle 47, day 25, 6 dpo)

sometimes I wish I didn't pick up temping again  ; )  I read way too much into it and then get disappointed when I don't see what I want to see in my chart. I'm only 6dpo and already sad I haven't had a temp dip or something yet and sad I haven't felt implantation cramps either. already feeling like this cycle isn't the one... boo!

talk to me in a few days and ask if I'm hopeful or not, I'm sure the answer will change daily  ; )