>:-( Grrr....

(cycle 19, day 1)

AF showed up... a day freaking early! and she wasn't nice about it either. when i woke up this morning, my temp was basically the same as yesterday. then i had more spotting and then the backache started... tried to sleep in this morning, but i just couldn't sleep very long due to the painful cramps and said backache.

onto cycle 19... i hate TTC!

feeling quite defeated :'(

(cycle 18, day 29, 11dpo)

yeah, so i'm in a shitty mood today. i don't know why i expected it to be so easy for us the first cycle trying after the miscarriage. my chart was looking picture perfect and then today it nosedived (which it still looks picture perfect, its just very unlikely that this cycle worked based on the timing of the nosedive). this cycle has been harder on me than i ever expected it to be. i thought i'd be taking care of a baby by now, planning their first birthday... not still trying to make that baby. we had it briefly, but then had to start at square one again. this sucks and i can't even begin to explain how horrible i feel right now. i know its rediculous to feel this way after only one cycle, but TTC has taken up a year and a half of my life at this point. we haven't let it run our lives and put things on hold to make it happen, but when i think of everything we've done in those 18 months, it kills me that i can't add 'started our family' to that damn list. i'm barely holding it together today. first i was angry during my fertile time because i had to actually try again, and now its sadness mixed with some anger that it didn't work. i hope it gets easier because i don't think myself or my dh could handle these emotions for even one more cycle. i'm not sure if i want to continue temping next cycle since i know that the digi OPKs give me plenty of O notice, but it would be nice to know its a consistent thing each cycle. maybe i'll just temp starting cd7 until O is confirmed and then abandon it so that i don't get stressed out like i am now to hopefully avoid these feelings from overtaking me again. at least we can definately go on vacation next fall without being too pregnant (if i am at all) to even enjoy it or being a flight risk... guess i'll start looking forward to what's to come the next 6+ months and try to focus on things other than TTC so that maybe taking my mind off it will result in a baby. i have lots of things to help with that: courses, sewing projects, the addition, going back to WW, spring cleaning, planning vacation... i just hope its enough to keep my mind occupied. :-/

Things Not to Say to Someone Who's Gone Throuh a MC...

"i bet you will get pregnant again soon. everything happens for a reason" - not what i wanted to hear the day i started miscarrying but it wasn't confirmed that i was until the next day. courtesy of my SIL.

"i almost wanted to wait a bit longer for my hysterectomy in case you needed mine" - seriously? WTF would you even say that??? i was pissed beyond belief when my mom said that to me!!! just because i MCd doesn't mean i might need someone else's damn uterus! and if anything, i'd ask my sister long before i asked my mom! gah!!!

Back in the 2WW!

(cycle 18, day 21, 3 dpo)

yep, i finally ovulated! seemed like it took forever since i had a + OPK on friday and didn't O til monday... the digi OPKs must pick up on the hormones/surge sooner than the cheapies since O usually occured the next day with those. i'll be testing at the end of next week, but i'm also scared shitless about testing, almost terrified. i don't want to see a stark white test after all we've been through to get to this point and then have AF show up just a couple days later. i want our baby so badly that it scares me to not be successful even though its our first cycle post MC that effort was put in. i'm also scared of actually getting another BFP even though i will monitored much more closely this time around due to the MC. this fear didn't start creeping in until after the anger i had towards trying again subsided and now its all i can think off. just last week i was bitter about this process and now i'm afraid of it.

the up-side to getting a BFP is that the gyno at the hospital wants me in right away for blood work to check my HCG levels and i'm guessing progestrone levels as well. he also wants me in for an US between weeks 4-6 to make sure something is growing in there, and growing properly. i was going to ask my own doc to send me for all this anyway, but its a comfort that the gyno wants it done as well. but it still doesn't make that fear go away at this point...

New Brunswick!

i know i haven't posted about the family reunion yet because after we got back i still hadn't posted about mexico, lol. so i thought i'd get this updated : )

new brunswick was probably one of the easiest flights we've had in our travels so far. thank goodness for hamilton airport being so small and only stopping to switch passengers! hubby wasn't nearly as cranky since he had time to go out for a smoke break and come back through security, grab a coffee and board the plane. i was a little worried on the flight back, but he still made it through.

when we got there, his aunt picked us up and drove us the 2 hours back to her place. i was a little, okay a lot, nervous to meet the rest of his family because i had been pre-warned that they were all like his dad and uncle.... and they were! i was a little bombarded with how many ppl i met when we first got there and by the time everyone had shown up, there were 22 ppl  o.O we visited for a bit and was introduced to everyone, then we set up out tent and got situated so we weren't doing it in the dark.

we did pretty much the same thing each day: wake up, have breakfast, wait your turn for the bathroom, figure out who's doing what, have lunch, do what was figured out, get supper going and eat, hang out in the garage until everyone had gone to bed. it wasn't too bad, but i would have rathered rented a car so we weren't house bound unless someone else brought us with them somewhere. i learned after about the 2nd day that if you get up earlier, you actually get breakfast made by one of the uncles and get coffee as opposed to having to make toast and there not be any coffee left since it was all drinken by the early risers. by the end of the week, it was wake up early, get breakfast and some coffee then go back to bed for a morning nap so i can stay awake all day and not crash by 8pm, lol. a couple afternoons were spent at a warf for swimming, visiting or whatever. its probably where we got most of the pictures that were even taken on that trip.

the first morning we were there was actually our first anniversary so DH bought me some flowers and junk food. it was nice that he still did something on our actual anniversary, but we had already celebrated it back home before leaving.

the second night we were there a running joke started by putting a "for sale sign" on random things. the first night it was his uncles trailer, and then DH put it up on his wall and his friends would bid on it and so would family that was at the reunion. it was actually quite funny and the end of the night was spent coming up with what to "sell" next. the second night it was one of his other uncles's truck that DH has done some work to so the caption had something about the wear and tear on the tuck and how its "intermittently maintained"... the last night was his uncle when for some reason he was up and walking around at 10pm which for his was unheard of and another bit of a running joke about how early he goes to bed. he was labelled "antique watchclock", ha!

other things that happened while we were there:
-i ate quite a bit of seafood and loved it! still leary on mussels, but fish, yum.
-like father, like son...
-some kids are crazy (one of his cousins kids threw a massive tantrum then passed out on the floor beside her bed she was so tired)
-i kinda miss camping as long as i have the ammenities of home ie. shower, running water....
-there's a support group for those of us married into the family
-they have a reunion about once every 5 years
-realised i looked like crap and needed to lose weight (which spurred me to join WW!)

waiting waiting waiting...

(cycle 18, day 15)

it feels like i'm perpetually waiting and i'm sure i've posted about this before. waiting for AF to leave, waiting for O to happen, waiting to POAS, waiting for AF, then it starts all over again if you aren't pregnant. its pure torture!

currently i'm waiting to O. actually, i'm waiting for a + OPK so that i know when O will happen and we've done all we could til the next cycle.



lately, i've been feeling pretty angry about this whole trying again thing. i just keep thinking that i shouldn't have to be doing this. i should be enjoying the beginning of the second trimester, looking forward to our first ultrasound, buying stuff for a baby, decorating a nursery... instead i'm back at square freaking one! this feeling hit on monday when i was getting anxious about BDing because i knew we needed to start so we could have an army of sperm built up but i felt like it might not happen. i suddenly felt pissed off. something i hadn't felt before since the MC. i've been sad that i don't get to do all those things, but this week it was actually anger. i hope that feeling doesn't stick around for too long, its not something i like to feel...

ETA: i started this post yesterday and continued it this morning. didn't finish writing it til later in the afternoon after i got my first positive OPK on the digital!!! O should be tomoro or sunday so by monday i will for sure be in the 2ww :D

finally : )

(cycle 18, day 1)

that's right! AF finally showed up today : D
i'm counting this as our 18th cycle since quiting BCP as we weren't completely abstaining during my first cycle after the MC.
fingers crossed i'll be pregnant by my birthday next month!

cycle update / pathology report

so my body may not be quite back to normal just yet. i still believe i O'd this month, its just a little unclear about when that happened. i thought it happened on cd15, but now that AF is a few days late, i'm guessing i actually O'd a bit later, which is entirely possible because my temps post FF's O day are pretty close to my pre-O temps. i did question O day a few days later, but i left it alone and was hoping to see AF early this week or a surprise BFP... neither has happened so now i'm sure that O happened later. if that is infact the case, i should be getting her by the end of the weekend. *fingers crossed*

last week i got the pathology report from my doc back... everything looked good and there's no reason to think that i would MC again. there wasn't any fetal tissue in the gestational sac so its likely that it was a blighted ovum but because it was so early, they won't say for sure. they also said that the lining that the placenta attaches to had "died". so now we continue to try again and if it happens again, i'll get sent for testing and my doc will likely put me on progestrone supplements the next time i get pregnant after a second MC. but she said that now we know that i can get pregnant, so there isn't likely anything wrong with dh's sperm and nothing wrong with my eggs. if it continues to happen its likely something other than the sperm and eggs that are causing it.

camera course (also my 100th post!)

since i bought my new DSLR camera, i thought i should try to find a camera course so i could learn how to use all the new buttons i have and learn what they actually do instead of experimenting so that i can take the pics i want quickley and not spend 10 minutes playing around with it to get the same result. i learned a lot. almost too much in one weekend, lol. but it was a lot of good information that i will put to good use when i start taking awesome pictures  : D
it snowed a shit-ton the night before the course so i was a little worried about whether to still go or not, but i paid for it, i might as well at least try to make it there. it actually wasn't as bad as i was expecting. that night when i got home, i went to DH's hockey game (its just a beer league thing) so i could try out what i learned that day in the course. do you think i could remember anything i learned so i could get those awesome shots? NOPE! haha. i got some good shots, unfortunately they're kinda blurry... next time i'll get some better ones  ; )