some exciting stuff going on this weekend! (though I really wish some of it was baby related, sigh)
we're really starting to get lots done on the house and closer to being done : ) all the tile around the back of the tub is up and grouted, just need to seal it. then the tub actually gets installed on sunday!!! then DH can focus on the shower. Saturday we're going on a shopping trip to pick out furniture, linens and a couple light fixtures. I've been waiting for this day cuz it means we're almost done! yay!!! my goal is to have all the mudding done and primed by end of easter weekend so we can get someone in to texture the ceiling and mud the garage and then rip out the carpet and get the new stuff in. beyond excited and a huge sigh of relief considering how big of a stressor this addition has been.
it doesn't mean we're only like a week or so away and can put the new stuff up right away. it was more so that anything that needs to get ordered, will be in by the time we're ready for it. shucks. more waiting. but I know we're almost done and it won't be much longer til we're using all the new shiny stuff ; )
Friday, March 28, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
trying to be optimistic
(cycle 43, day 7)
my body is at least showing more positive signs than last cycle and I'm only a week into it. last cycle, I had basically nothing in the CM department, this cycle, I'm already seeing creamy stuff, so that's got to be good right? just hoping I see some promising CM when I'm fertile ; )
I'm trying to be optimistic about us conceiving and having it stick and turn into a THB, but its hard. I just feel kinda "meh" about it and trying not to get my hopes up too high so that I don't have as far to fall when things crash and burn. I really don't want this to take much longer, I honestly don't know how much more I can take before I just call it quits. maybe i'll have renewed hope when our house is done and we can relax more, we'll see. thankfully its only another 5-8 weeks....
my body is at least showing more positive signs than last cycle and I'm only a week into it. last cycle, I had basically nothing in the CM department, this cycle, I'm already seeing creamy stuff, so that's got to be good right? just hoping I see some promising CM when I'm fertile ; )
I'm trying to be optimistic about us conceiving and having it stick and turn into a THB, but its hard. I just feel kinda "meh" about it and trying not to get my hopes up too high so that I don't have as far to fall when things crash and burn. I really don't want this to take much longer, I honestly don't know how much more I can take before I just call it quits. maybe i'll have renewed hope when our house is done and we can relax more, we'll see. thankfully its only another 5-8 weeks....
Thursday, March 20, 2014
onto cycle #7 of ttc since MC2...
(cycle 43, day 1)
so AF finally showed up and not at her regular time either. usually she shows up while I'm at work. she decided an hour after falling asleep was a perfect time to wake me up with cramps and a backache.
the cramps were horrible! way low in my pelvis and it felt like it took the advil forever to kick in. I wanted to use the heating pad, but didn't want to wake DH or HayHay up in the process since it was on his side of the bed and she was cuddled up in front of me. at least this ends the saga of late AF's...
so now I no longer have to worry too much about not making it for my BFs wedding and we got another cycle out of the way and hopefully closer to a BFP. one can hope right?
so AF finally showed up and not at her regular time either. usually she shows up while I'm at work. she decided an hour after falling asleep was a perfect time to wake me up with cramps and a backache.
the cramps were horrible! way low in my pelvis and it felt like it took the advil forever to kick in. I wanted to use the heating pad, but didn't want to wake DH or HayHay up in the process since it was on his side of the bed and she was cuddled up in front of me. at least this ends the saga of late AF's...
so now I no longer have to worry too much about not making it for my BFs wedding and we got another cycle out of the way and hopefully closer to a BFP. one can hope right?
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
inevitable
(cycle 42, day 26, 12 dpo)
I knew that temp drop I had at 8dpo was too good to be true. it was an isolated temp and the rest were all around the same, but in the last 2 days, my temp has been gradually dropping like it has every cycle I have temped in the days before AF shows up. so with that, I'm expecting AF to show up tomoro or Thursday.
temping wasn't at all stressful this cycle so I think I might continue with it. at least until it does get stressful (if it does) or my body returns to its predictable ways or we start doing some sort of monitoring with a doctor because we're going ahead with more in depth ttc methods...
i'll update when AF finally shows up :-/
at least i'll be more likely to make it to my BFs wedding barring some medical emergency and bed rest or something. that's if it even happens by then. I'm losing more hope on that each cycle... I just NEED to be pregnant before MIL's wedding because I don't think I can handle seeing DH's cousin's baby without knowing we're finally getting ours : ( I have 5 cycles just to get a BFP, nevermind far enough along to get a couple good USs...
I knew that temp drop I had at 8dpo was too good to be true. it was an isolated temp and the rest were all around the same, but in the last 2 days, my temp has been gradually dropping like it has every cycle I have temped in the days before AF shows up. so with that, I'm expecting AF to show up tomoro or Thursday.
temping wasn't at all stressful this cycle so I think I might continue with it. at least until it does get stressful (if it does) or my body returns to its predictable ways or we start doing some sort of monitoring with a doctor because we're going ahead with more in depth ttc methods...
i'll update when AF finally shows up :-/
at least i'll be more likely to make it to my BFs wedding barring some medical emergency and bed rest or something. that's if it even happens by then. I'm losing more hope on that each cycle... I just NEED to be pregnant before MIL's wedding because I don't think I can handle seeing DH's cousin's baby without knowing we're finally getting ours : ( I have 5 cycles just to get a BFP, nevermind far enough along to get a couple good USs...
Monday, March 17, 2014
out the window
(cycle 42, day 25, 11 dpo)
my hope, as the title states, is out the window. I had some promising symptoms, well mostly sore boobs that hurt to lay on like back when I was pregnant last time, but it only lasted about 2 days and now they aren't even sore. I had a good temp dip at 8 dpo and my temp recovered back to where it was (usually if it dips, its not just one temp and it doesn't always recover) so I thought maybe that might have been an implantation dip (though I get very obvious cramps when that does happen as evidenced by both pregnancies). I ended up testing at 9 and 10 dpo and just got BFNs, not surprisingly. I thought I might've seen something on 9dpo's test, but its very clearly negative now whereas my other BFPs got darker the longer it developed.
I'm now 11dpo and my temp has started dropping like it does in the days before AF so I highly doubt this cycle worked and am expecting AF either Wednesday or Thursday. if she doesn't show, i'll be shocked. but I am kinda hoping she does so that I can make it to my BF's wedding... next cycle would be great though... come on universe, throw me a bone why don't you?!?!
my hope, as the title states, is out the window. I had some promising symptoms, well mostly sore boobs that hurt to lay on like back when I was pregnant last time, but it only lasted about 2 days and now they aren't even sore. I had a good temp dip at 8 dpo and my temp recovered back to where it was (usually if it dips, its not just one temp and it doesn't always recover) so I thought maybe that might have been an implantation dip (though I get very obvious cramps when that does happen as evidenced by both pregnancies). I ended up testing at 9 and 10 dpo and just got BFNs, not surprisingly. I thought I might've seen something on 9dpo's test, but its very clearly negative now whereas my other BFPs got darker the longer it developed.
I'm now 11dpo and my temp has started dropping like it does in the days before AF so I highly doubt this cycle worked and am expecting AF either Wednesday or Thursday. if she doesn't show, i'll be shocked. but I am kinda hoping she does so that I can make it to my BF's wedding... next cycle would be great though... come on universe, throw me a bone why don't you?!?!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
resentment
(cycle 42, day 20, 6 dpo)
I realized today I harbour a bit of resentment towards women who find out they aren't ovulating within that first year of TTC. its feels like they get fast tracked into the world of testing and finding reasons for things not working whereas if you're a woman who regularly ovulates, you spend a lot more time waiting to get to that point.
woman who don't ovulate or have incredibly irregular cycles can basically go to the doctor after a short amount of TTC (like 3 months) and then get to do a bunch of testing to get answers. like they're the popular kid in school who gets picked first.
I read infertility blogs and when I start reading one that strikes a cord in me, I like to find out their timeline and what worked for them or what they got diagnosed with, try to relate their story or timeline to my own. i was reading one today and that's when it hit me that i have these feelings. i compare when we started TTC to when they started TTC. how long it takes them to finally get a BFP, if they've MCd, or in the case of women who don't ovulate, how quickly they begin to get help.
aside from having 2 MCs to kind of touch on figuring things out, I'd still be waiting to get to the point if it weren't for a sympathetic specialist and doctor. i still don't have answers from that testing, but I'd still be waiting is my point. because the first pregnancy took about a year of cycles where we had a shot, we weren't at the testing stage yet when i finally got that second line on a test, in fact, my doctor told me to wait 6 months and then within the first 2 months, it happened. the same thing happened with the second pregnancy. nearly on the cusp of going for help, the second line appeared on a test so we once again didn't get any testing done. we're still less than a year of ttc after that second pregnancy/MC so we're still not at the testing stage. that mandatory year of trying before getting help has extended our TTC story by at least a year, if not two. had i not been ovulating, i would've been getting help back in dec of 2010, more than 3 years ago. even if i did have 2 MCs like i do, I'd more than likely have a diagnosis long before now and have moved on to IUI or IVF or something else to get our THB, and likely even have that THB by now. instead, I'm still waiting.
just because i ovulate on my own, i get to witness countless women who don't, become pregnant and give birth without being able to get help yet. I'm only on cycle #6 of TTC since MC #2. i still have lots of waiting ahead of me and I'm resesntful. its not fair. i could probably go get the help at this point because it has been 6 months and both my doc and the specialist have offered it to us, but we've already done some testing that doesn't show that anything is amiss. i feel stuck.
I realized today I harbour a bit of resentment towards women who find out they aren't ovulating within that first year of TTC. its feels like they get fast tracked into the world of testing and finding reasons for things not working whereas if you're a woman who regularly ovulates, you spend a lot more time waiting to get to that point.
woman who don't ovulate or have incredibly irregular cycles can basically go to the doctor after a short amount of TTC (like 3 months) and then get to do a bunch of testing to get answers. like they're the popular kid in school who gets picked first.
I read infertility blogs and when I start reading one that strikes a cord in me, I like to find out their timeline and what worked for them or what they got diagnosed with, try to relate their story or timeline to my own. i was reading one today and that's when it hit me that i have these feelings. i compare when we started TTC to when they started TTC. how long it takes them to finally get a BFP, if they've MCd, or in the case of women who don't ovulate, how quickly they begin to get help.
aside from having 2 MCs to kind of touch on figuring things out, I'd still be waiting to get to the point if it weren't for a sympathetic specialist and doctor. i still don't have answers from that testing, but I'd still be waiting is my point. because the first pregnancy took about a year of cycles where we had a shot, we weren't at the testing stage yet when i finally got that second line on a test, in fact, my doctor told me to wait 6 months and then within the first 2 months, it happened. the same thing happened with the second pregnancy. nearly on the cusp of going for help, the second line appeared on a test so we once again didn't get any testing done. we're still less than a year of ttc after that second pregnancy/MC so we're still not at the testing stage. that mandatory year of trying before getting help has extended our TTC story by at least a year, if not two. had i not been ovulating, i would've been getting help back in dec of 2010, more than 3 years ago. even if i did have 2 MCs like i do, I'd more than likely have a diagnosis long before now and have moved on to IUI or IVF or something else to get our THB, and likely even have that THB by now. instead, I'm still waiting.
just because i ovulate on my own, i get to witness countless women who don't, become pregnant and give birth without being able to get help yet. I'm only on cycle #6 of TTC since MC #2. i still have lots of waiting ahead of me and I'm resesntful. its not fair. i could probably go get the help at this point because it has been 6 months and both my doc and the specialist have offered it to us, but we've already done some testing that doesn't show that anything is amiss. i feel stuck.
Friday, March 7, 2014
a semblance of regularity
(cycle 42, day 15, 1 dpo)
finally! I finally know what's going on without having to question everything!
I'm relatively confident that I Od yesterday. I never got anything more than one instance of watery cm (though I may have had better all up in there, but it didn't come out, so that's all I saw) and I didn't get a blazing positive OPK, but I did get at least one positive OPK (and one that was damn close to positive on cd13, if not actually positive, its hard to tell) and had a ton of pressure in my pelvis on cd14, more ovulation pain than I used to get in previous cycles (which almost makes me worry that I hyper ovulated and could end up with multiples, but that would be crazy!). my temp went up slightly from yesterday (yesterday's being the same as two days before that, so I'm sure that temp was still pre-O and not my temp spike making me O on cd13, which has never happened) so it was higher than all previous temps.
so fingers crossed it was successful and if not, that next cycle is it and I have more cm!
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finally! I finally know what's going on without having to question everything!
I'm relatively confident that I Od yesterday. I never got anything more than one instance of watery cm (though I may have had better all up in there, but it didn't come out, so that's all I saw) and I didn't get a blazing positive OPK, but I did get at least one positive OPK (and one that was damn close to positive on cd13, if not actually positive, its hard to tell) and had a ton of pressure in my pelvis on cd14, more ovulation pain than I used to get in previous cycles (which almost makes me worry that I hyper ovulated and could end up with multiples, but that would be crazy!). my temp went up slightly from yesterday (yesterday's being the same as two days before that, so I'm sure that temp was still pre-O and not my temp spike making me O on cd13, which has never happened) so it was higher than all previous temps.
so fingers crossed it was successful and if not, that next cycle is it and I have more cm!
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
still slacking... oops!
(cycle 42, day 12 - omg, 42 cycles?! when did that happen? :( )
I'm still a blog slacker... my bad. seriously, nothing has really changed on any front. the house is still at the state its been for a couple weeks but that's because the progress isn't measurable when its just another coat of mud... all of that will be changing soon! mostly because i'll be starting to sand the mud hopefully by this weekend and then priming will follow that, so it will be easier to see the progress : )
on the ttc front, I'm getting close to O. I'm still incredibly frustrated with my body because where I used to have actual signs of things going on with my body, they seem to have completely disappeared. I haven't really had any cm to speak of and I'm already cd12. I don't get it. nothing. not even creamy cm to indicate that I am at least on my way to get fertile cm. I thought I was getting there last week when it seemed like I was going to start getting watery cm, but in the last 2 days there's been absolutely nothing. BDing wasn't super enjoyable because of it : /
I have started temping again so we'll see where that gets me. OPKs are negative so far (at least yesterday's since I haven't tested today yet). I really hope O isn't still a week away because I don't know that dh will be able to keep BDing every other day for that long...
speaking of DH, he's really been gung ho on ttc the last two cycles we were trying. its actually a nice change. though I've now starting feeling like it wont' really matter because i'll never get pregnant ever again and we'll live a childless life from here on out. he suddenly wanted to start taking vitamins again and has been more enthusiastic about BDing. we'll see how long that lasts... but seriously speaking, its a huge change coming from him and I greatly appreciate it.
I'm not optimistic anymore. like at all. I'm just going through the motions of each cycle and then getting pissed off because AF has thrown a huge wrench my way with my cycles being completely out of whack and unpredictable. I miss being able to tell exactly when O was so I knew exactly which day AF was going to show up. the last two cycles I waited for AF to show up for a couple days. it wasn't until the day she showed when I actually felt like she was coming cuz I got my telltale pressure in the pelvis followed by cramps and backaches and then AF. that was the only telltale thing those cycles. everything else was questionable since obviously my O day was off even though my signs were all there. I want to be optimistic again. I want to feel like we actually have a chance at conceiving (nevermind the fear that will overwhelm me when it acutally happens, I'm not even really thinking about that yet cuz god knows if we'll ever even see a BFP again...), like we're a somewhat normal couple still and we'll see a second line within the next few months, but I just don't feel that way anymore. its even worse than just before getting pregnant the second time. I wasn't optimistic then, but this is just somehow worse.
anyway, i'll try to be more diligent about updating more often, especially since things are really going to be moving on the house and I should be Oing at some point before the end of the weekend...
I'm still a blog slacker... my bad. seriously, nothing has really changed on any front. the house is still at the state its been for a couple weeks but that's because the progress isn't measurable when its just another coat of mud... all of that will be changing soon! mostly because i'll be starting to sand the mud hopefully by this weekend and then priming will follow that, so it will be easier to see the progress : )
on the ttc front, I'm getting close to O. I'm still incredibly frustrated with my body because where I used to have actual signs of things going on with my body, they seem to have completely disappeared. I haven't really had any cm to speak of and I'm already cd12. I don't get it. nothing. not even creamy cm to indicate that I am at least on my way to get fertile cm. I thought I was getting there last week when it seemed like I was going to start getting watery cm, but in the last 2 days there's been absolutely nothing. BDing wasn't super enjoyable because of it : /
I have started temping again so we'll see where that gets me. OPKs are negative so far (at least yesterday's since I haven't tested today yet). I really hope O isn't still a week away because I don't know that dh will be able to keep BDing every other day for that long...
speaking of DH, he's really been gung ho on ttc the last two cycles we were trying. its actually a nice change. though I've now starting feeling like it wont' really matter because i'll never get pregnant ever again and we'll live a childless life from here on out. he suddenly wanted to start taking vitamins again and has been more enthusiastic about BDing. we'll see how long that lasts... but seriously speaking, its a huge change coming from him and I greatly appreciate it.
I'm not optimistic anymore. like at all. I'm just going through the motions of each cycle and then getting pissed off because AF has thrown a huge wrench my way with my cycles being completely out of whack and unpredictable. I miss being able to tell exactly when O was so I knew exactly which day AF was going to show up. the last two cycles I waited for AF to show up for a couple days. it wasn't until the day she showed when I actually felt like she was coming cuz I got my telltale pressure in the pelvis followed by cramps and backaches and then AF. that was the only telltale thing those cycles. everything else was questionable since obviously my O day was off even though my signs were all there. I want to be optimistic again. I want to feel like we actually have a chance at conceiving (nevermind the fear that will overwhelm me when it acutally happens, I'm not even really thinking about that yet cuz god knows if we'll ever even see a BFP again...), like we're a somewhat normal couple still and we'll see a second line within the next few months, but I just don't feel that way anymore. its even worse than just before getting pregnant the second time. I wasn't optimistic then, but this is just somehow worse.
anyway, i'll try to be more diligent about updating more often, especially since things are really going to be moving on the house and I should be Oing at some point before the end of the weekend...
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