update on life :)

(cycle 15, day 15, 1dpo)


same clothes from our holiday in NB, 3 months later



weight loss

i've lost almost 15lbs in the 3 months i've been doing weight watchers! i'm so proud of myself. i've tried doing it on my own before, but never with this kind of success. it really helps feeling accountable for what i put in my mouth and then having other people know how i'm doing. i feel like i've let someone down if i don't lose anything and thankfully i haven't gained more than 0.2 in one week (and that was only once!). i've also been documenting my weight loss with pictures every couple weeks so that i can see the visual difference it is making. its crazy comparing the difference from this summer to now. my clothes are much looser if not falling off of me now. it feels great!

around the house

we thankfully haven't been doing any projects around the house and won't be until the big addition in the spring. it's nice to not be in a constant state of construction, i just wish we could finish tidying up around the house so i didn't feel like are always living in chaos. but we did put up christmas lights on the house! i was so excited to get that done. its been 13 years since i've lived in a house with christmas lights outside. my mom had things hanging in the windows, but its just not the same, lol. i also bought a new christmas tree this year because they were half price (black friday pricing) and we were thinking of replacing our flimsy one anyway. would you believe that almost every single tree sold is now prelit? blasphemy! half the fun of putting up the tree is dressing it, lights and all! i'm not ready to give up putting on the lights myself, lol. so of course i bought the only model that wasn't prelit and was taller than 4 feet  : ) i can't wait to put up the tree this year, and i'll probably put it up way earlier than i normally do, like this coming weekend instead of only a week before.

TTC

i'm still in a bit of a funk about last cycle and its making it hard to imagine myself ever seeing a positive test or having any confidence that we were successful this cycle. its just getting harder to deal with it taking so long. for the first time this cycle i had true EWCM starting on cd10 but i assumed it was a fluke and waited until cd12 to start BDing like we planned. it may have been the wrong thing to do since i O'd one day earlier than the last cycle yet again. i'm really hoping that if i go through another cycle, that trend doesn't continue... but i'll be testing on december 7th at 10dpo (unless i just can't help myself and end up testing early, but i'd really like to be able to have more self control than that). only 9 more days of torturous waiting..........

random

there's one more thing i want to update, but i didn't want to make a specific topic for (even though i guess this pretty much qualifies as a seperate topic : / ). and i guess a picture pretty much sums it up:

i got my hair did!
don't mind the phone pic, i'll eventually have a ton more pics that are better ;)

Missing My Dad :'(

(cycle 15, day 4)

seeing a picture of my dad with my step-mom and her first grandchild yesterday made me a little sad that we don't live closer together and don't talk as often. it also made me a little sad that i haven't been able to give my dad his first grandchild. I've been looking forward for too long for the phone call i get to make when we do get to tell them we're pregnant. I can't want to be able to tell my dad that he'll be a "pepere" on x day. i can't wait for them to come visit us after the baby is born when he will finally get to meet his grandchild. for now it remains a dream because of the hand we've been dealt in the TTC department, but i still can't wait for that day to happen.



My dad and I on our Wedding day



Feeling Lost...

(cycle 14, day 28, 13dpo)  (cycle 15, day 1)

warning that this post contains a lot of raw emotions and some details that i probably shoudln't even be sharing via the internet, but i need somewhere where i can just spew everything i'm feeling at this current point in time.....

pretty sure we've failed yet another cycle. i have far too many feelings on the topic and this could turn into a novel very quickly.

my temps have been dropping the last 2 days so AF is expected today or by first thing tomoro morning. i was getting excited because i was beginning to think that this was actually going to happen and i would be pregnant since i had a very low temp in the time period that could potentially be implantation and then my temps went back up. i had 3 negative pregnancy tests but i still had hope that it was just too early to show up and that it would be a couple days later, then the dropped temps. i didn't bother testing at that point since that's always how it goes, it just happened a day later than normal (hence being more positve than other cycles by 11dpo).

so now i get to have the uncomfortable conversation with my doc about what to do to try to speed up the process. i just don't want to be told that we have to BD more because that's our biggest problem right now due to DH's low sex drive (tmi i'm sure, but i really need to get this off my chest since i don't have friends that i can openly talk to about this who understand what it's like to still be trying after more than a year). i'm hoping there's something she can give me without dh having to go to the doctor to talk about it because if that's what has to happen i might as well start accepting life without kids because a doctor is the last person he would go to even if it would help us along.

on top of not being pregnant yet, i've been reminding dh to make an appt to get his hernia looked at more closely so that he can get it taken care of and take some much needed time off without taking stress leave. but now i have to worry about him getting surgery before my fertile week next cycle and then sabotaging that cycle altogether and possibly the next cycle after that and not being able to even try until the new year.

i hate that i have to even think about any of this. i hate that i'm not pregnant yet. i hate that its taking this long. i hate that i feel like my husband doesn't even care. i hate that he won't talk to me if he is getting worried that it is taking so long. i hate this whole process and it makes me want to only have one child (if we get that far) because i don't want to go through this again to have a second child.