I feel like I'm just going through the motions of TTC lately and while I still get pissed off seeing others get what we want, I just feel numb to it all at this point. or at least numb to our situation, I'm definitely not numb when others express their happiness over things that happen for them seemingly easily...
while I wish we could just give up, I know that I'd have to go on the rest of my life being jealous and resentful of those who get to have kids and that's not how I want to live for the next 50+ years. I want to know that we did what we could, but I'm also tired of doing all of that. I know we haven't even scratched the surface as far as things we can do to help this since we haven't actually been tested for infertility purposes, but 4 years later, I think we've paid our dues. I'd love to know that we will for sure get pregnant, even if I don't know when but at least at some point in the next 6 months and it actually turn into a real, live baby. at least it would give me peace of mind that we'd get what we want so badly, but we don't.
I really hope the doctor visit in july helps answer some of these questions or we somehow get fast tracked to get things figured out and it doesn't turn into a long drawn out process and we get to 5 years without any answers...
Monday, June 23, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
last chance before help
(cycle 46, day 1)
AF showed up if you couldn't tell by my cd1 status.... : (
I started getting really hopeful and could swear I saw a hint of something on tests, but I think I've got line eyes and I'm willing myself to see things cuz when I take a real good look, there's nothing on them other than the control line. my temps were keeping me hopeful since they were staying up until this morning. so now that I can't depend on my temp to drop a couple days before AF shows up, I think I'm just going to temp til I can for sure confirm O and then put the thermometer away til around cd10 to temp for O again. no point in getting myself excited when temps mean nothing anymore.
so with that, I also set up an apt with my doc to start talking about what our next steps are and what tests we need to do so we can get on with getting our THB. we've been as consistent as possible with TTC and we only avoided 2 cycles this year. its now starting to take a toll on our sex life where we really only have sex when there's a chance it could turn into a baby. we've been doing so well over the last almost 4 years not letting it get in the way of having sex outside of my fertile window, but its now started to creep in. not like we get busy every other day or so when I'm not fertile, we were still only once a week or so kind of couple, but that's been gone for 2 months now and I'm noticing the difference in us. I'm hoping getting help will take the pressure off of us and we can go back to normal. I won't let the doc tell us to try something different for a couple months because that won't work. we've waited long enough and if we have to implement a different BDing schedule, it will just end badly by putting pressure on us to perform when they want us to instead of what we can muster ourselves. no point in going through that, though I don't think they would do that us given how long we've been TTC...
so we have one cycle to get it done before I see the doc and probably one cycle before we get answers or some kind of outside help. of course if this cycle works, I can turn my apt into an apt to get an US requisition since it would be the right timing for that, but I also would have to somehow hide it for a week with family at the cabin... would be pretty fucking hard to avoid drinks for an entire week without someone noticing and saying something. though I've also thought about getting news out right away next time so we don't have that to jinx ourselves with like the last 2... all of that is hypothetical since the chances of it actually happening are slim (I feel like a broken record cuz I'm sure I've said those words in almost every single blog post over the last 6 months...).
we'll see what the next month brings... hopefully something good before we go through the rigours of infertility testing....
AF showed up if you couldn't tell by my cd1 status.... : (
I started getting really hopeful and could swear I saw a hint of something on tests, but I think I've got line eyes and I'm willing myself to see things cuz when I take a real good look, there's nothing on them other than the control line. my temps were keeping me hopeful since they were staying up until this morning. so now that I can't depend on my temp to drop a couple days before AF shows up, I think I'm just going to temp til I can for sure confirm O and then put the thermometer away til around cd10 to temp for O again. no point in getting myself excited when temps mean nothing anymore.
so with that, I also set up an apt with my doc to start talking about what our next steps are and what tests we need to do so we can get on with getting our THB. we've been as consistent as possible with TTC and we only avoided 2 cycles this year. its now starting to take a toll on our sex life where we really only have sex when there's a chance it could turn into a baby. we've been doing so well over the last almost 4 years not letting it get in the way of having sex outside of my fertile window, but its now started to creep in. not like we get busy every other day or so when I'm not fertile, we were still only once a week or so kind of couple, but that's been gone for 2 months now and I'm noticing the difference in us. I'm hoping getting help will take the pressure off of us and we can go back to normal. I won't let the doc tell us to try something different for a couple months because that won't work. we've waited long enough and if we have to implement a different BDing schedule, it will just end badly by putting pressure on us to perform when they want us to instead of what we can muster ourselves. no point in going through that, though I don't think they would do that us given how long we've been TTC...
so we have one cycle to get it done before I see the doc and probably one cycle before we get answers or some kind of outside help. of course if this cycle works, I can turn my apt into an apt to get an US requisition since it would be the right timing for that, but I also would have to somehow hide it for a week with family at the cabin... would be pretty fucking hard to avoid drinks for an entire week without someone noticing and saying something. though I've also thought about getting news out right away next time so we don't have that to jinx ourselves with like the last 2... all of that is hypothetical since the chances of it actually happening are slim (I feel like a broken record cuz I'm sure I've said those words in almost every single blog post over the last 6 months...).
we'll see what the next month brings... hopefully something good before we go through the rigours of infertility testing....
Thursday, June 12, 2014
still in the 2ww
(cycle 45, day 26, 10 dpo)
I oddly have no urge to test early this cycle. probably thanks to my average temps. they're following the typical pattern so I'm not expecting this cycle to go any differently. if my temp is up tomoro, I'm waiting at least one more day to see if its a fluke like that other cycle I had a crazy jump at 11dpo. but yeah, not expecting different results with something that's the same as before. there's still that small shred of hope left that because others have had no tip offs that they were pregnant before AF was due that maybe that could be me. but that small shred of hope is just that, a shred. I don't actually believe it would happen like that...
so I guess I'm finally making that "please help us" phone call next week : ( I never thought we'd be having to do this. we have one more cycle to try before I'd see the doc so maybe the threat of that will shock my body into doing something different, like, you know, get pregnant. it seems to happen for many other women (obviously not everyone). though so does getting pregnancy relatively easy and since I definitely don't fall in that category, I'm not expecting a different outcome.
I oddly have no urge to test early this cycle. probably thanks to my average temps. they're following the typical pattern so I'm not expecting this cycle to go any differently. if my temp is up tomoro, I'm waiting at least one more day to see if its a fluke like that other cycle I had a crazy jump at 11dpo. but yeah, not expecting different results with something that's the same as before. there's still that small shred of hope left that because others have had no tip offs that they were pregnant before AF was due that maybe that could be me. but that small shred of hope is just that, a shred. I don't actually believe it would happen like that...
so I guess I'm finally making that "please help us" phone call next week : ( I never thought we'd be having to do this. we have one more cycle to try before I'd see the doc so maybe the threat of that will shock my body into doing something different, like, you know, get pregnant. it seems to happen for many other women (obviously not everyone). though so does getting pregnancy relatively easy and since I definitely don't fall in that category, I'm not expecting a different outcome.
Monday, June 2, 2014
oh 2ww, how i loathe the
(cycle 45, day 16)
we've done what we could this cycle, now we wait. at the end of my last post, I added that I started getting ewcm, well that continued for about 4 days! I'm starting to think though that it was aided along by the amoxicillin I was on at the beginning of my cycle when I had a pretty bad throat infection... either way, if it helped give me good cm for a cycle, i'll take it. I just hope it wasn't a one time thing and I'm actually back to normal and will continue getting fertile cm each cycle from now on and it wasn't just the amoxicillin making a difference.
I also thankfully Od at a more normal time this cycle. it might have been yesterday or today, I'm not really sure and hopefully my temp goes up tomoro otherwise, I might have to give up temping this cycle cuz there's no way that if tomoro's is still low that I didn't O for 3 days after a positive OPK... oh, I also got back my fade in pattern on my OPKs this cycle : ) after noticing the ewcm I started my OPKs on cd11 instead of cd12 just in case. on cd13 the test got a bit darker and then on cd14 it was a blazing positive all day and back to just barely negative on cd15. normally I would O the day after a positive so I figured today's temp would be up signalling that yesterday was O day. so that's why I'm hoping tomoro's temp is up otherwise I won't know what to make of my temps.
we got at least 2 BDs in this cycle. I really have to give props to DH cuz he's really been trying to do his part for the last 8 months. the first couple months after the MC we took it easy but since we've been back to really trying, he's really been trying. it definitely hasn't gone unnoticed. but that's also why I don't want to wait much longer to get help or see a BFP, I don't know much longer he can keep up the routine : / I know he would like a break from having to BD on particular days and go back to BDing whenever the mood strikes us. its been hard having to stay motivated and I so appreciate his efforts, it would just be nice to be rewarded with a BFP for those efforts for once...
well I guess we'll see how this cycle plays out. same timing as last year, same days of the week for everything, just a number day different.... if I don't get a BFP for father's day, i'll be calling the doc to schedule the appt...
we've done what we could this cycle, now we wait. at the end of my last post, I added that I started getting ewcm, well that continued for about 4 days! I'm starting to think though that it was aided along by the amoxicillin I was on at the beginning of my cycle when I had a pretty bad throat infection... either way, if it helped give me good cm for a cycle, i'll take it. I just hope it wasn't a one time thing and I'm actually back to normal and will continue getting fertile cm each cycle from now on and it wasn't just the amoxicillin making a difference.
I also thankfully Od at a more normal time this cycle. it might have been yesterday or today, I'm not really sure and hopefully my temp goes up tomoro otherwise, I might have to give up temping this cycle cuz there's no way that if tomoro's is still low that I didn't O for 3 days after a positive OPK... oh, I also got back my fade in pattern on my OPKs this cycle : ) after noticing the ewcm I started my OPKs on cd11 instead of cd12 just in case. on cd13 the test got a bit darker and then on cd14 it was a blazing positive all day and back to just barely negative on cd15. normally I would O the day after a positive so I figured today's temp would be up signalling that yesterday was O day. so that's why I'm hoping tomoro's temp is up otherwise I won't know what to make of my temps.
we got at least 2 BDs in this cycle. I really have to give props to DH cuz he's really been trying to do his part for the last 8 months. the first couple months after the MC we took it easy but since we've been back to really trying, he's really been trying. it definitely hasn't gone unnoticed. but that's also why I don't want to wait much longer to get help or see a BFP, I don't know much longer he can keep up the routine : / I know he would like a break from having to BD on particular days and go back to BDing whenever the mood strikes us. its been hard having to stay motivated and I so appreciate his efforts, it would just be nice to be rewarded with a BFP for those efforts for once...
well I guess we'll see how this cycle plays out. same timing as last year, same days of the week for everything, just a number day different.... if I don't get a BFP for father's day, i'll be calling the doc to schedule the appt...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)