a TTC standstill...

(cycle 27, day 23, 8dpo)

i went to my yearly physical today. boy do i hate crying in the doctors office  :-/
i was fine until we started talking more about TTC.

she now understands that NTNP pretty much equals a shot in the dark at getting pregnant since we only BD once a week or every other week when we aren't actively trying. with the way my cycles have been, i O on the same weekday every cycle. so say if O is always on a monday, we have to BD at some point between friday and monday. tuesday to thursday would be entirely useless, so we'd have to never BD on any of those days if we want any kind of chance any given cycle. BDing 2 days in one week is DH making an effort in the BDing department. its entirely frustrating, but its what i have to work with.

she also agreed that it is possible that its a hormone imbalance with DH if his sex drive is as low as i say it is. something like that could be a very easy fix. who knows, maybe that is our issue and all it would take is some hormone supplements and we'd be pregnant very quickly after that. this is the biggest reason i don't want to put off infertility testing much longer than we already have. if it is something simple that is an easy fix with meds, then why waste time on fruitless efforts in the meantime?

this cycle i was going to let DH off the hook an extra day or two before BDing, but then i got a headcold and he was on his man-period, so nothing happened til O day. she did make the suggestion of laying off him the few days before i'm fertile and then trying to make magic happen in the days i'm for sure fertile (thank god for a more regular cycle!) so there's a better chance, which is pretty much what my new plan was.

my doc was also encouraged with the fact that i have been able to concieve once on my own. i'm not comforted by that fact as i've seen too many women suffer loss after loss after loss and were able to conceive those babies naturally. so i don't see the merit in being able to acheive it on our own if that's no guarantee that we will conceive again and who's to say we won't have to go through another MC?

aside from that, we're waiting until we're done with the addition and moved into our new bedroom before resuming actively TTC. i'm not thrilled, but i can't exactly ask for more from DH than he's already doing. it sucks, but at least there's that small chance to hang onto this cycle as well as a relaxed vacation next cycle to possibly allow for some baby making fun towards the end of a relaxing week. if those don't work, at least there's only one or two more cycles that TTC would have be put on hold for, otherwise this "break" would feel a lot longer. so i'm hoping that by may, if it hasn't happened for us yet, DH will be willing to at least find out if there are any issues. it would take a cycle or two to get all the preliminary testing anyway, so that buys him another month til finding out if there is something wrong with one or both of us.

the heart wants what the heart wants

(cycle 27, day 16, 1 dpo)

there's a tiny chance this month, but i'm just so over TTC right now, i debated not trying, but i want to be a mother so badly that i had to at least try a little bit...

i had a cold over the weekend, the same weekend we were supposed to be BDing. on friday i told DH we were supposed to be BDing and then he said he's been so stressed lately with the house that he'd kinda like to just put TTC on the back burner until our lives aren't as filled with working on the house. i can understand it, i kinda feel the same way, but by the same token, if we don't try, that might have been the cycle that took and we would've wasted it by not trying.

its been a pretty violent inner battle for me. my heart wants to feel the love and joy a LO would bring us but my head says we are far too stressed to add this to the insurmountable pile of things to do to continue doing this. we're both stressed beyond what we can handle and for somewhat different reasons. the 2+ years of TTC is screaming at me and is causing me stress because i just want it to happen already. i'm also acting as a project manager with the house so i'm doing a lot of the running around and dealing with trades (which also means having to do a lot of the dirty work with talking to them about insufficiencies), its not an easy job. DH is stressed because his truck acted up when he just doesn't have the time or patience to fix it. his job is also stressing him out because he'd rather be working up front where he's supposed to be instead of helping them keep up with the work in the back. with the house, he's acting as general contractor so he's doing a lot of manual labour on top of the manual labour he does at work. while the house is the common stressor for both of us, its for different reasons. i feel like i have a mountain of pressure on my shoulders because i get it from DH as well as trying to keep everything organized and stay on top of what needs to be done. its hard.

i'm hoping that going to mexico in 3 weeks will relax us so we can focus on working on the house and getting it done. and if this cycle doesn't work out, maybe we can squeeze in some relaxed BDing on vacation... one can hope!

House Update!!!

cannot believe i forgot to make a post about this, lol. anyway, the outside of our house is finally done. not without some frustrations of course.

windows, installed, curtains hung in the living room and bedroom for extra privacy when sitting on the couch in my sweats and not getting blinded by the streetlight at night and the sun in the morning, hahahaha.

i made the curtains for the bedroom, and other than them being a little shorter than i intended (dh would actually prefer they were a lot shorter), i love them! i made blackout curtains so its even better than the blinds we had in there before. thank you pinterest, lol.



the siding also got "finished". we're not exactly happy with the guy that did it or the work that's been done. we're still trying to get something done about the bathroom vents which we were wanting the siding guy to do because we don't want to mess with the siding (why would we pay for someone to do it if we were just going to do a few things ourselves?) and also, you wouldn't just put siding right over vents in any other house, why would you do it now and then leave it for us to do? so that's been a bit of a bone of contention that we're i'm trying to work through and get the guy to come back and fix it. we also need to talk to him about the dented up soffit after he installed the stone on the front door wall... we're not impressed and i think there was a lot of miscommunication on both sides. it doesn't help that dh wants me to line up trades and call everyone that needs to be called and then gets mad when things aren't done the way he wants them or they don't talk to him. well if i'm the point of contact, yeah, they will talk to me most times instead of you. ugh.

anyway... look back at our house when we bought it:

still had the cedar trees in the front, lol

a collage of the work done over the summer:

 

and a better and bigger pic of the finished product:

so now we can focus on getting the shed done (in this terrible weather alberta always has when we want to do outside work) and working inside. dh got a good start on the inside last weekend so i'm hoping he can keep up his motivation and get the electrical done so we can completely insulate the addition and keep the house warm instead of always having a bit of a chill all the time. we're gettign there, just slowly...

yet another let down

(cycle 27, day 2)

yet again AF showed up unwelcomed.

i'm getting worn out, exhausted, frustrated, and in general, ready to quit until we can get testing done to get some answers as to wtf is wrong and what is preventing us from conceiving. obviously i'm not going to just quit TTC because who knows, maybe one of the next 2 cycles before testing will be the lucky one for us. but if history has shown us anything, it won't be. its just that possibility that it could be that has me still wanting to attempt anything. fuck do i hate this process with a passion lately.

so this cycle, i'll be foregoing temping and just doing OPKs. they have been reliable for me before, and the second last time i did this, we made a baby (it didn't work for us in may when i tried it, but did back in december). i'm hoping the next 2 cycles will be exactly like the last 4 (O cd14/15 and AF on cd26-28 with a 12/13 day LP) which is pretty damn regular for me compared to before. i think the low dose aspirin is helping. its made the last 2 cycles exactly the same and even extended my LP an extra day. if just doing OPKs doesn't work this cycle, i'll be ditching all of it because there's no point when we'll be on vacation for most of my fertile time (we might be back home by O day). maybe that will do the trick. idk anymore.

so doc appt at the end of this month. 3 weeks from now... i just want some damn answers  :-/