Picked Last in Gym Class

(cycle 37, day 1)

that's how i'm starting to feel. and its becoming increasingly hard to deal with. though, after this long, its getting easier to hide my pain in front of anyone until I get home and DH can see it all over my face.

I think this weekend was yet another breaking point (I can't really say its my absolute breaking point, cuz I've had a few over these 3 years and i'm sure there will be another in the future). I found out a friend who was NTNP for the last 3 years (with irregular cycles) was 10 weeks along. I was happy for her because I know how long they were "trying", but it still stung. I acted all happy for her and related to her over things in the first tri, but as soon as I got in my truck to leave, I broke down, again, like I do every time I find something like this out.

i'm really feeling worn down. I know i'm not alone and there are plenty others who are feeling the way I am, but i'm feeling like i'm going to be the last one to get a THB. like that kid in school who always gets picked last to play games or go on a team. i'm feeling left behind. i'll be that one friend who doesn't have kids. the odd one out. i'm getting so very tired of this and I feel like i'm repeating myself each month now.

2.5 weeks til I see the specialist. hoping we'll figure out why we've been so unlucky two times and maybe a way to speed up the process. I can't do this forever.

symptom spotter

(cycle 36, day 24, 10 dpo)

apparently I can't help but symptom spot  : P  I thought I was typically an early implanter since both pregnancies I had distinct cramping early in the 2ww (at 5 & 6 dpo) both times. I figured since I hadn't experienced any by 7dpo, that I was basically out this cycle because I assumed that I will always be an early implanter.

that may not be the case. no, I haven't tested yet to know anything for sure, but I did experience some of that very similar cramping in the same spots as last time, only this time at 9 dpo. it did get me a little excited and gave me some hope for this cycle afterall  : )  this morning, I felt a little pressure in my pelvis like when AF is about to arrive but not as extreme, only that would be 3 days early.

so here's hoping for some good news in the coming days. i'm not sure how eager I am to test early, so i'm not sure i'll test at all until Monday and AF would be a day late...

me = optimisic?

(cycle 36, day 21, 7 dpo)

I don't know why i'm hopeful about this cycle, but for whatever reason I am. which is weird. I fully expect AF to show up sunday or Monday, but I can't help be feel like she won't be coming... I don't think its enough to make me test early though, unless I have some pretty obvious signs like I did when I got the last BFP.

3.5 weeks til I get to see the specialist. i'd really like some answers or some help to speed this up. its really starting to bother me how long this is taking. when we started TTC, I was 24 and now i'm 27. ouch.

I feel completely hopeless and helpless. i'm watching everyone around me get pregnant and have their babies while mine get sent to heaven. it gets harder each day and I hate it.

when will it finally be our turn for a THB...?

Blogiversary!!!

was just thinking to myself that I had started my blog 3 years ago around this time of year. I couldn't remember the exact date, but I knew it was after our wedding and before our first cycle of TTC...

so happy 3 years to myself!

another negative day

(cycle 36, day 14, O day)

today is definitely O day. got a blazing positive OPK yesterday and had lots of pressure and slight cramping in my pelvis this morning. didn't have stellar CM this cycle though... I barely had any fertile looking stuff, so I don't know how conducive that will be. not that I have much stock in cycles anymore anyway since even in the off chance they do work out, I inevitably lose the baby and start over.

to say i'd be shocked if it did work is a complete understatement. i'll be surprised beyond belief and even more surprised than the last BFP. i'll also be a little bit mad at myself for even thinking of TTC before getting testing done because what if it didn't work out again? i'd blame myself for not waiting for the results to come back to know if there is something more than just progesterone I should be taking while pregnant. I want to believe that we could get lucky enough for "3rd time's a charm", but I just don't. other than that lucky windfall a couple years ago, not much else has been lucky for us, why would this ever be different?  : /

I feel stuck in this limbo before testing is done. on one hand I don't want to do any waiting for TTC since we've waited more than long enough. on the other hand, I want to wait in case the results show more to what is going on and it gives answers and a direction to go next time. my mind keeps pulling me in both directions, often in the same day.

why wait to TTC if 2/35 is our odds at conceiving?
why TTC when 2/2 is our odds at a THB?

change of routine

(cycle 36, day 9)

I don't know what to do with myself. maybe i'm subconsciously easing myself into being healthier?

I have had 0 self control when it comes to food lately. knowing I was starting at the gym last night, I went and bought a bag of chocolate covered pretzels at lunch yesterday (my biggest weakness). I've eaten more than half the bag already in 24 hours. maybe my mind is trying to get to slowly make changes to its not as hard to maintain the changes. like starting at the gym this week and then the diet will follow next week. I seriously wish I could stop doing this to myself. I don't feel sexy anymore. I feel like a blob  : ( 

I have been much better about water intake this week. I guess that's two steps out of the way, the only one left is my eating habits. maybe I need to start with WW again as much as I was hoping I could just do this myself since I know what I have to do, i'm just having a hard time getting it going.

1. join the gym
2. increase water intake
3. watch diet

so last night my mom and I had our first session at the gym. we only did one set of everything just to go through form and how the machines work, but i'm feeling it today. i'm not dying and I can walk up/down the stairs without wincing in pain, a good hurt. i'd like if there was more cardio worked into the routine, but i'll have to work it in myself. like run 10 minutes to warm up, work on the legs, run for another 10 minutes, work on the arms, another 10 minutes of running, abs, and finish with another 10 minutes of running. that way I should pretty much always have a good sweat going and i'm incorporating something I love doing, running. I've also got to get out more at home with hayhay.

i'm getting there, slowly, but i'm getting there.
fingers crossed my diet will follow.

Body image

... is basically non existent right now  : /

I had a hard time last time getting back into my WW routine and i'm finding its the same this time around as well. only difference is that last time I didn't gain as much in those 3 weeks of being pregnant and still had nearly half of what I wanted to lose left to keep going. this time, I had 7 weeks to gain some pregnancy weight and I had already surpassed my weight loss goal. I was feeling good about myself and never felt uncomfortable in my clothes, until now.

now, none of my pre-preg pants fit me, and majority of my shorts don't either  :'(  I've been trying to wear dresses and skirts when I can for work, but the seasons are going to be changing soon and its going to be a little too cold for summer dresses real fast. what the hell am I going to wear until  I can manage to get my ass in gear and drop these extra pounds?!?! I have one solitary pair of jeans and one pair of cords that kinda fit at the moment. pants I had only planned on keeping to get me through the post-partum phase after actually giving birth to a living baby, not this. my boobs haven't gone down in size since being pregnant either, so not only do my pants not fit, my bras don't either and I have that horrible double boob going on. I don't feel like I should be struggling to lose these extra pounds because I never got to give birth to a living baby. it got taken from me and now i'm left with this awful reminder that I see every time I look in a mirror.

I know i'm not a big girl by any stretch of the imagination and there's plenty of women who wish they were my size, but when you've struggled to lose so much weight in the first place and then was able to maintain that for over 6 months, not being able to kick yourself into gear is really disappointing.

why can't I find that determination?

I was hoping that starting at the gym would be the thing I needed, but my session got postponed until next week so I proceeded to stuff my face with half a loaf of eggnog bread that I had in the freezer from xmas and took out on Tuesday. I sabotaged myself. will the gym be enough next week to get me to stop these bad habits? I need to get back down to goal so my clothes fit. I need to feel comfortable in my skin again.

ambivalent

(cycle 36, day 2)

I shockingly wasn't overcome with grief and anger at the onset of AF. I expected to since last time I had a major meltdown over her arrival because it was just another punch to the gut and reminder of what I no longer had. I have no idea why it didn't hit me as hard this time.

maybe its because I didn't benefit from "increased fertility" in the months following the MC last time, or that I just honestly don't believe we'll conceive in the next 12 months. I don't expect getting pregnant to be easy at all. it hasn't been in the past. each time it took nearly a year and a half, why would it take less time now? I have the same low expectations I did at the beginning of summer before getting pregnant.

i'm still waiting for a call from the clinic to know when my apt with the gyno will be. I thought they would've called by end of last week, or at least the beginning of this week. I didn't expect it to take longer than a week to get one set up. that's bumming me out a bit because I feel like we shouldn't even be attempting to get pregnant until after I get testing done because i'll just end up in the same situation I am now, TTC after another MC. why would next time be any different if we don't have any answers yet or possible fixes other than more prometrium? I don't even feel like it helped last time. I feel like there's something more going on and we need more than that to sustain a pregnancy. but I also don't want to wait forever for that damn apt either. time we could potentially get pregnant and maybe get lucky enough for that one to be our THB. the saying "third time's a charm" comes to mind... but that doesn't mean much to someone who's lost 2 babies already  :-/

Waiting for AF

(cycle 35, day 29 - cycle 36, day 1)

and now begins the wait for AF to start up again. only thing is, I have no idea when to actually expect her. because of the MC, my hormones could be totally out of wack and the hcg from the pregnancy could take a while to leave my system (though I feel like if the baby died at 7w and I carried for another 4, the hcg probably totally left my system) preventing O from happening. from some research and other's experiences, you basically don't O until the hcg leaves, which can take up to 4 weeks, hence the typically longer cycles following MCs.

last time, I basically had a regular cycle, well within my norm at the time, just on the longer end of that norm. but this time I got so much further in the pregnancy, so would this cycle be proportionately longer? IDK. I feel like i'm in store for a regular cycle because of my CM, but since I skipped temping and OPKs this cycle, that's the only thing I can really go on, which I felt I wouldn't be able to totally trust since its possible I could have fertile looking CM when I would normally have it, but maybe not O yet and still be a couple weeks away from that. I haven't noticed as much fertile CM since then, but its possible its still coming.

so i'm feeling slightly unprepared for AFs arrival. I don't have a ton of supplies on hand, but I don't normally have to carry provisions on me for 2-4 weeks straight, normally just a couple days. this doesn't feel like a typical 2ww, probably because I have such low hopes of getting pregnant again quickly based on what's happened in the past. I want to get pregnant quickly, but who knows what my body will even do next time. I want to be pregnant and get past the first tri so I can actually enjoy it instead of waiting for the red death to start...


ETA: I know my body too damn well. I wasn't counting on what I thought was my fertile time to actually be my fertile time since I was fresh from a MC... but yet, there was AF, ready and waiting for me exactly when I would have expected her if I was right.