just a quick update

(cycle 50, day 25)

we ended up not TTC this cycle. we did have sex on cd14, but it wasn't of the baby making variety. I was in no shape to BD again til I got back to alberta after holidays (hangovers and all : P ). I also didn't actually take any opks while away like I was planning to do. I could've on cd14, but was too busy most other days to even give a thought to testing. it wasn't until I was back home and finally thought to take one in the evening of cd18 just to see if I might've Od late or if it stayed negative for a few days I would know that I Od while away. well cd18 was pretty dark and then cd19 was very negative, so I can only assume that the positive was either on cd17 or earlier on cd18 and I just happened to test too late. so with that, I'm assuming I Od on cd18 or 19 and I'm about 6-7dpo and AF should be here some time in the middle of next week. BDing on cd14 would've been a stretch for getting pregnant anyway. I didn't care all that much about ttc this cycle so I'm not too upset about not having the possibility, only upset a little bit because of how long its already been. so we'll be back on the TTC train full force once again next cycle and i'll be asking about that RE referral when I go in for my yearly check up in 2 weeks so I know its not fallen to wayside. i'll post a longer update later on my trip east  : )

#50, ouch!

(cycle 50, day 4)

so obviously round 2 of clomid didn't work  : (

AF sure took her sweet ass time last cycle. I figured I'd have a 14 day LP like the cycle before, but AF waited nearly a full 24 hours longer to get going. thankfully the cramps started before going to bed so I wasn't woken up by them (which is a horrible thing to wake up to), but she didn't fully start that night either. so I ended up with a 15 day LP, which just pushed everything for this cycle back by a day (plus the extra days it got pushed back from having the 14 day LP last cycle), so now there's a chance to TTC this cycle instead of having to take it off due to travel and not seeing each other the important days. we'll now see each other starting cd14, so even if I Od that day, if we BD, there's a chance. albeit a small chance given how the last 50 cycles have gone (all but 2 unsuccessful, and even those were unsuccessful if you consider a MC an unsuccessful cycle because it didn't result in a THB), but a chance nonetheless. so I asked DH if he'd be interested in ttc since we'll be seeing each other and to my surprise he said yes (I was kind of hoping for a break, but if it gets us a sticky BFP, then that's worth it, as much as I wanting to take a mental break from all things ttc for a month or so).

right now, I'm very thankful for DH. he's been a hell of a lot more optimistic about us having kids than I've been over the last year. a lot of the time I say "if we have kids" and he always comes back with "no, we'll have kids, don't worry". I'm glad one of us feels that way, because it sure isn't me. he's so optimistic, he even bought a stroller this weekend from a buddy on the fire dept. and here all these years I thought that he'd think I was crazy if I bought baby items if they were on a great sale! ha! to be fair, it was a crazy price, he was selling a $300+ jogging stroller for $25... and its coming from someone we know, so we know its been well taken care of. but still, we'll now have a stroller staring us in the face with no baby in sight to speak of  : /  I can't wait for fb friends to start asking questions if they see the post in the local buy and sell group and see DH's comment about buying it.... that's probably going to suck more than staring at it until we can use it.... sigh. but his optimism that we'll get to use it one day is still nice to see when he's been rather quiet on that front until recently.

the resutls are in

I'd by lying if I said I wasn't nervous going into the appointment.

so far everything checks out for both of us and I finally know my blood type.

dh is an overachiever and has super sperm. seriously. pretty much double normal levels for almost everything, in some cases, 10x better than they're looking for. he told me after doing the SA that he thought it wasn't much volume wise and looked like such a little amount, well it was double what they look for, lol. we had a chuckle at that. the count is where he really excelled, they want over 30 million and he was over 300 million. there was one factor that he was just above what they wanted, but it was such a low number anyway (they want 4 and he had 5, but can't for the life of me remember what it was for) that its fine and normal. overall, he's definitely not the issue, at least not yet, there's still a couple things that need to be looked at his end, but for now, we're ruling him out.

I now know I'm O+ for if I ever choose to give blood (maybe if my fear of needles ever subsides...) and being positive is a good thing baby-wise, which means I can't be RH- and have my body attack the baby's (hypothetical baby of course since we're obviously struggling in that department) because of blood not being compatible. so good news there. all my other testing is within normal ranges. well aside from my progesterone which somehow didn't get entered into the system as though I never did it when I definitely did. so that's the only test result we don't have, if my progesterone is high enough in the 2ww to even sustain early pregnancy. now that I'm already almost a week past that in the 2ww (its the cd21/7dpo test), I have to wait at least 3.5 weeks to do that test again (and that's if I O around cd14/15 instead of cd20, in which case I'd have to wait even longer than 3.5 weeks to do it). which now reminds me that i'll have to do some kind of testing for O so I can get that test at the right time in my cycle, sigh. I guess I could wait another cycle to get it done since it just needs to be done before seeing the RE.... so maybe i'll wait another cycle... anyway, back to the results...

so all that to say there's nothing wrong with either of us at this point that would make it harder to make a baby. frustrating. all that testing to find out we're both fine. or at least as fine as those tests will tell us. maybe there's something deeper that's not right... but we won't be able to find that out until we get to the RE. hoping for something to be wrong? yep, the mind of an infertile works that way. I desperately wanted something to be wrong so we had an answer, a reason for each pregnancy taking so long to achieve, but nada. I'm just left with more questions and doubt.

I was hoping I'd come back from that appointment with renewed hope and instead I feel even more helpless than before. the first pregnancy took 16 months, 11 cycles of which there was some kind of chance. the second one took 18 months with 12 cycles having a chance. here we are, our best record for TTC, 14 months, 15 total cycles and 13 with some kind of chance. other than actual time TTC, we're taking longer than before to get pregnant again. I'm not sure how much longer we can keep going like this because its looking like this cycle won't work either and you can add one of everything to the last tally.

so now our referral goes in and I should be getting a call in a week or so with our appointment date, whenever that may be in the future....

not much to update on the ttc front

(cycle 49, day 26, 11 dpo)

there hasn't been a whole lot to report on. some days I swear I'm pregnant and others I swear we'll never get pregnant. around 8dpo I had some pain in my hips and then most days since then I've had some kind of pain in my pelvis and lower stomach. am I reading too much into it? probably. then yesterday I had a bit of an upset stomach all day. I had gone out drinking the night before so I would normally use that as the reason, but it was constant all day and didn't subside at all, so that made me think it had to be pregnancy nausea. I'm crazy. of course I tested yesterday and not to my surprise it was a bfn. I'm getting so tired of seeing those. I'm welcoming the break that's coming next cycle. of course I hope beyond all hope that we get a miracle, but I'm not kidding myself. I'm still as hopeless as ever. I'm dreading Wednesday still. I don't want to hear our results. I'm terrified of any answer we could get. I'm trying to wait til Wednesday morning to test again, with the hope that I can go into that appointment as a prego, but I know that's a long shot.

the usual, cycle update

(cycle 49, day 18, 3 dpo)

ff doesn't like me this cycle. I had a higher temp Friday morning (of course when it was adjusted. the actual temp was pretty low, but add 3 hours to it and it was a normal post O temp) so I'm pretty sure Thursday was O day. but my temp on sunday morning was a touch on the low side for LP temps so FF is thinking I Od on cd13 because that's when my temp was still low. after waking up today, it was back to normal LP temps, so I discarded yesterdays and as long as tomoro's temp is at least slightly over the high pre-O temps, i'll get solid crosshairs for cd15 instead of the dotted ones on cd13.

I'm still worried about our test results. I am worried about being told that our chances are incredibly slim and that its not really worth trying on our own.  I'm also worried about everything checking out fine and still not knowing wtf is wrong with us and why we either lose babies or just don't make them in the first place.

2 cycles of normal?

(cycle 49, day 15)

this cycle so far is going as well as last cycle. still on the same timeline so at least the clomid is regulating things, its just too bad this is the last cycle I'm able to use it. maybe it'll kickstart my body into being regular again instead of varying by up to a week cycle to cycle.

my CM hasn't been much to go off of, but it hasn't been for about 8+ cycles now, so its nothing new. my temps have been a bit weird this cycle, its the same every two days, Monday and Tuesday it was 36.12 and Wednesday and Thursday it was 36.51. the higher temp was enough to make me wonder if I Od and just didn't get a positive opk, but then last night I got my positive. I didn't have my usual fade pattern either, it was fairly light and even got lighter on cd13, which also led to my wondering if I Od and didn't pick up on it, and then was a fraction of a shade darker than the previous tests on cd14 at lunch. knowing last cycle I Od on cd16, I tested again in the evening of cd14 (yesterday) to see if it was going to get darker and to my surprise, it was positive. today, I'm not sure if it was positive or just about positive, i'll have to look after work. so that means today or tomoro will be O day and it might be a little difficult for me to confirm exactly which day as tomoro's temp will be taken 2 hours early and I won't be temping Saturday. but i'll know it was one of two days, which is better than not knowing at all like the first 2 months after xmas. I feel like today might be it cuz I've had some weird feelings in my stomach, but i'll know for sure tomoro probably depending on the adjusted temp.

all of this might for nothing. I have an appointment with my doc on October 8th to go over our test results so we're not waiting 4-6 months when we see the RE to find out. I'm hoping there's something in our testing that can explain why its taking so long or possibly why the previous pregnancies were lost far too early. something so we aren't an unexplained case. maybe it will be something simple that she can help us with until we get to the RE, that would be the ideal situation. if its not, then that seals the deal for us that we'll take an extended break from ttc until we get to the RE since a pregnancy is unlikely on our own. tbh, I'd kind of welcome an extended break. if there isn't anything of interest in our results, then I guess we just continue ttc like we have been. *sigh*

its only been 4 years now, but who's counting?

Referral going in!

(cycle 49, day 8)

I finished my last round of clomid last night. I'm hoping this one is our lucky one. I'm just over this whole making an effort month in and month out so it would be nice to cut this down instead of having the long wait ahead of us til we see the RE.

DH finally did his SA yesterday and didn't make a big deal about it all (outside of the whining he did about taking time off work to drive into the city), which I was a little surprised about, but I think its because he's ready for answers too. but now that that's done, I can call the clinic to get our referral going so we can actually get our appointment with the RE! finally moving forward after waiting 2 months to get all our testing done.

I'm also hoping we'll be one of those couples who get jinxed when going through testing just to end up pregnant before ever meeting an RE... it would be a welcome surprise and worth every inconvenience. a girl can dream, but I'm also realistic and fully expecting to have to keep an appointment with the RE and get to see them before this is over. even if I did get pregnant, I'd request that our appointment with the RE not be cancelled until we get past the first trimester. I don't want to cancel the appointment due to a pregnancy, just to MC once again and have to go through the waiting process again to get an appointment. I don't think we'd have to go through the year of TTC again before getting referred or have to do the testing all over again. I wish this wasn't something I had to worry about. life was so much easier thinking there weren't any issues.

shitty weekend

sigh. I had a somewhat terrible weekend. where to start? I guess from the beginning...

1. I got an email late Saturday afternoon about setting up a new cell phone account with my current provider. I figured the email was spam but since it included an authorization # and the phone number activated, I wanted to make sure. so I called them up and they were able to confirm an awful lot of my information for me including the fact that there was a phone set up in my name, along with using my credit card number, email address, street address and phone numbers. enter complete shock. so as I was on the phone with them, I checked my online banking activity since they said there was approximately $1000 worth of charges from them, and I confirmed exactly how many and how much those charges were while looking at my account. I was floored. wtf? how did this happen? I physically had my credit card and hadn't used it in about 2 weeks in a store, but had used it a number of times for some online shopping. I still don't know where the info could have been taken from since I have 5 active email addresses. that's a lot to keep straight. so after getting off the phone with the phone provider, I had to call my credit company to let them know I was a victim of fraud, the phone provider was reversing the charges so they didn't have to, but I did need a new card issued. then I was worried about a ticketmaster purchase not going through since it wasn't showing up on my online banking, even as a authorized purchase and not a posted purchase. just what you want to deal with on a Saturday evening....

2. I did a neon run Saturday with a friend and her son. what a fiasco. first, i was running behind getting ready because i was dealing with fraud, then i spent the trip up there talking to the credit company and still trying to figure out what sites i needed to the change passwords too and where this possibly could have happened. when we got there, it wasn't anything i didn't expect, a big group of ppl with no actual set waves, similar to color me rad which i had done 2 times prior. i didn't expect there to be a lot of organization in that respect since with color me rad, as long as you have a race bib, you can just walk right to the start line (even if you signed up for a particular wave) and just go with the next wave since they let one go every 2-5 minutes. with this neon run, they let one group go about 15 minutes late of the start time, then about 4-5 more waves, the last one leaving i guess close to an hour late. it was ridiculous letting that many ppl go at a time, but knowing how color me rad is, it wasn't surprising yet. it started out following a very similar route, but at the 1km mark, they turned us down toward the Edmonton river valley instead of meandering through the residential area. it was an alright jog to the bottom, a little dark, but i managed just fine. at the 2km mark, that's when it all went wrong. i don't know approved the route, or if it was a last minute change as it was rumoured later on, or what the deal was, but they were bottlenecking about 2000 participants into a single file line up a steep embankment. i was already separated from my friend as she stayed at her son's pace, but not knowing that they were sending us towards this path, i kept at my pace and was planning on just waiting for them at the finish. well at this bottleneck, i waited for at least 30 mintues before getting to the top and my friend ended up bypassing me by taking an alternate route to the top and finished well ahead of me. i didn't even know how far back they might have been. it took me nearly 2 hours to finish a 5k run that i can definite finish in less than 45 minutes at color me rad. ppl were saying afterwards that it was actually a 7.5k route, which makes complete sense as i can typically run a 5k without much issue or being too winded, but not long after getting to the top of that hill, i didn't have much left in me. it was about the actual 5k mark that i petered out and was struggling. i resorted to some walking because i just couldn't run anymore. by the time i got to the finish line, everyone was just exasperated. my friend thought i had been trampled and was wondering if they'd ever see me again. what a failure that race was. there was a lot of angry ppl after that run, didn't help that all the volunteers had basically taken off after about the hour mark from the race start because the only ppl left manning the streets, were the cops directing traffic. what a joke that was. once i got all my venting out, i felt better and didn't do as much complaining, but still. that's not at all what anyone signed up for.

3. i ended my sunday evening with a migraine. DH and i were participating in a memorial motorcycle ride sunday that we had done the year before. i look forward to it because its the longest ride DH will take me on since we limit it to as far as Edmonton and back. this was a 230km ride to the finish and at about the 175km mark, i started getting a headache and my ass had had about all it could handle, but i toughed it out (like i had much of a choice) and it wasn't too bad until we were almost home. i kept my eyes shut most of ride home from the finish and when we did get home, i was nearly in tears from the pain in my forehead, but knowing crying would just make it worse, i just popped some advil and we relaxed in bed and had a nap. even after the nap i still had a raging headache so i took some extra strength Tylenol hoping that would help, but i didn't get much relief before falling asleep for the night. that headache lasted all the next day too. probably one of the worst headaches I've ever had. i think I've only had about 3 really bad headaches, and that was one of them. the first one was over 8 years ago and my entire head was throbbing, i had to take some of my moms Tylenol 2s. the second was last summer when i was pregnant coming back from a wedding in Saskatoon. being pregnant and up late, makes for one hungover feeling pregnant woman the next day and i just so happened to get the nasty migraine to go with said hungover feeling. it was horrible, but at least was gone after some shut eye.

the bitch finally showed

(cycle 49, day 1)

better late than never, right? except I really would've preferred never, or at least for the next 9 months would've been nice.

so it seems clomid has in fact lengthened my LP by a day, which sucks cuz its throwing off next cycle  >: (  I'm going to ovulate the day I'm in Ontario (provided clomid will make me O on the same day next cycle) so I need DH to give up one night after fire practice, which if you didn't already know, is like pulling teeth. sometimes its not and he actually skips practice altogether, but if he's not skipping practice, he's not home til I'm in a deep sleep, which doesn't bother me provided I actually get to spend some time with him Wednesday and Friday. but if I'm taking clomid, we can't waste the only cycle I have left of it (not that I think its going to help us since one cycle didn't). If he can't make it home, I'm not bothering to take it again til November's cycle because we won't be seeing each other next cycle with being apart due to travel. we might have a small chance if my cycles stay the same, but its not enough time seeing each other that I think we'd even have much of a shot, it would be a small one, maybe one BD before O day because each cycle has been pushed back a day or so.

I really feel like we'll be heading into the new year no closer to starting our family than we were 4 years ago. its a depressing thought and even more depressing if I told you how much we could potentially still have ahead of us (i'll save it for a future post cuz this is shitty enough).

what the hell?

(cycle 48, day 30, 14 dpo)

I seriously don't understand my chart. I thought for sure AF was on her way yesterday, or even today, but my temp went back up yesterday and only slightly down from that this morning, so still well above coverline where majority of my other 2ww temps are.

 

I had some pain in my pelvis yesterday (the day after the temp drop, same day as the temp rise, for reference) and thought for sure AF would be showing up in the evening, or at the very least this morning, but nothing. temped this morning and was still confused by it because its still pretty high (not super high by my 2ww standards, but still definitely in the 2ww range of normal for me and not low enough for me to assume AF is for sure on her way). I did test yesterday evening, but was a BFN.

I did play with my chart and if I discard the super low temp on 12dpo, it looks like my temp is just on the way down and I may have a longer LP possibly due to the clomid. my is usually way down by now, but if the clomid is extending my LP, then I guess the temps are normal and heading down like they normally would. we'll see I guess if AF shows up today and what tomoro's temp is. if its still up, I'm going to be even more confused than I've been the last 2 days.

cliff diving, again

(cycle 48, day 28, 12 dpo)

after having my temp be slightly up sunday morning, it dived today. though I'm sure it was only up because we went to bed late and were drinking the night before... of course I tested, and of course it was a BFN, and of course this mornings temp was well below coverline and back down to pre-O levels. of fucking course. clomid didn't make a damn difference, at least that's how it feels.

its 12dpo, so I'm sure AF will make her appearance tomoro since I have a 12-13 day LP. I tried grasping at straws this morning and searched FF for charts with late implantation dips, but only found 1 or 2 out of about 30+ charts and I'm sure only something like 1-5% had implantation dips that late since I didn't go through the entire gallery of charts with dips. doesn't give me much hope. plus I don't know if those women had longer LPs so their body wasn't already gearing up to shed its lining by the time they had their implantation dip like mine would be by now. I just don't see how if something were to implant today, that it wouldn't be too late with a 12 day LP. so I'm pretty sure its AF gearing up and not a baby burrowing in just a little late.

still not hopeful

(cycle 48, day 25, 9 dpo)

temping is keeping me somewhat rational. as rational as one can be when TTC... I haven't had any major cramping, but I've been aware of my pelvis for the last few days, which sounds really weird when you say it... lol. its not really cramping, but a very slight pressure in my lower abdomen. I'm not even sure if its actually there or if I'm once again just hoping so hard to feel something that I'm now imagining it. my temps have been average once again. no major dips or jumps, just the same ol' same ol'. which has me thinking we're out this cycle. I would think I'd see something in my chart by now. I know its possible that if this is the lucky cycle, implantation might not have even happened yet and I've still got a couple days for it to happen before assuming anything. I'm hoping to be surprised by a late AF and bfp next week, but I doubt it. as long as my temps are staying in the average zone, I probably wont' even bother testing until next Thursday if AF hasn't shown up. she's due either Tuesday or Wednesday, so Thursday would definitely be considered late, Wednesday evening would be late... ugh, I really hate the 2ww, actually all of it because its taken us longer than probably 80-90% of couples ttc.

hopes dashed already

(cycle 48, day 22, 6 dpo)

I'm not even half way through the 2ww and I've already lost hope  :-/ 

both pregnancies I had significant cramping pretty early, like 5 or 6 dpo that lasted a few hours and I totally mistook for indigestion. the suspected chemical pregnancy I had the same cramping around the same time and had a pretty decent temp drop that day as well. so far this cycle? nothing.

I was really hoping clomid would maybe be what we needed, but if it doesn't work this cycle, I have one more cycle and I doubt we'll have much of a shot that cycle cuz DH is busy every night we'll have to BD. he's got golf on Tuesdays (though I don't know how many more weeks he has, it might be over by then), hockey Wednesday night, and fire practice Thursday night (which they go out afterwards and he's never home before midnight)  : (  if one cycle of clomid doesn't help, what's another going to do? i feel completely failed by my body. wtf is it going to take to get and stay pregnant?!?!

DH still hasn't gone to get his SA done and that's holding up our referral. they want all our testing done before they'll send in the referral, and so far DH hasn't had a chance to take 2 hours off work in the middle of the day because of how many holidays he'd been taking and now that he could, someone else is on holidays so he might not be able to get out this cycle either. its going to be October by the time he goes in  : (  at that rate, we won't be getting to the RE til next spring! and god knows how long it will be before we get answers that lead to getting help once we get in there. we might just get a general apt at first and then have to get yet more testing and more waiting to find out what's wrong with us. i might be ready to give up entirely before then.

the last 2 pregnancies happened in about 11-12 cycles where there was at least some chance. I'm at 12 right now... i hope that suspected chemical didn't totally screw this up and body won't even consider getting pregnant for a few more cycles by kind of resetting the timing. i basically assume its going to take 11-12 trying cycles to get pregnant every time, so that chemical might have totally thrown it off because it happened in 7 cycles of trying, so I'd be at 5 right now if it did reset my body  : (

grief

I've very recently realized that I'm no longer feeling the soul crushing grief from our losses that I felt before. I realized it when hearing about another's loss. it was the first time I wasn't brought back to that black hole and feeling sorry for myself all over again. I just felt complete empathy.

of course I still miss our babies every day, but the hurt has definitely lessened. that's not to say I don't have my moments. I still wish I had either or both of them with us, to know if they were a boy or girl, who they resembled more, who's personality they took on, to snuggle them forever... i'll never get that back and I may never experience it, but I'm doing far better than I have been in a long time with regard to loss.

: )

progress

(cycle 48, day 15)

I'd been getting frustrated with my opks since they didn't seem to be getting any darker as the days went on, but finally yesterday it started getting somewhere and am hoping to get a positive opk today, if I don't today, i'll still be frustrated  : P  its definitely not far off though at this point.

last Friday I thought I was suffering from OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome), but I think it was another gall bladder attack (or at least what I think is a gall bladder attack since it fits with the symptoms and I've had it happen a number of times, my aunt pointed it out at xmas and its been on my mind whenever I feel like that; nausea, indigestion, upset stomach...). its unfortunate that the symptoms are similar so its hard to tell which it really was, but I'm inclined to think it was the gall bladder given what's going on fertility wise this week.

so I don't think I was dealing with OHSS last week because this week I've felt my ovaries all day for the last 24 hours. similar to O pain, but it hasn't gone away. so I doubt the pain I had last week was related to my body producing a lot of follicles if I'm just now feeling that way. I'm hoping I'm growing a couple good follicles and hopefully at least two of them erupt and at least one of them implants and becomes a baby. I'd like as high a possibility as possible to get pregnant... please and thank you!


I was incredibly frustrated with my body since I was hoping clomid would bring back my normal O on cd14 body to me. I mostly hoped that because I already O on my own and most women who take clomid don't O ever, or rarely and then on clomid O at some point between cd14 and cd20. I guess my body is just responding that same as it does for those women. i'll be glad if next cycle I O at the same time as this cycle because at least that would be some kind of regularity, which I haven't had in a long time. and if I do, I won't have to worry about going away overnight next cycle and missing an opportunity because i'll have Od before leaving (which makes me wish I had taken an extra day of travel, stupid unpredictableness!). after next cycle (the last one on clomid) I think we might take a break from actively ttc and go back to just having sex when we want to and not worrying about it being when I'm fertile or not. I'm tired of scheduling sex and I know DH is too, moreso than me, but he's been a trooper with scheduled BDing since the last MC. I'm just over it at this point. if clomid doesn't help, I strongly feel that we'll need more intervention. and if that's the case, why ttc on our own in the months between clomid cycles and going to the RE? plus, October would be a great month to take a break: i'll be in Ontario pretty much at the start of my fertile time and I'm going solo for the first 5+ days. I won't be seeing DH til around O day or after, so there will be very slim chances that cycle. it'll be a good break, a needed break at that point.

wishful dreams

i had a dream last night that I was pregnant, like full term pregnant. big round belly and everything  :'(  we were travelling somewhere and I was just at the cutoff for being able to fly (for whatever reason 37 weeks was the cutoff and I was like 36w6d. throughout my dream, my belly was shrinking like as if the baby was disintegrating. I just looking fluffy around the belly and not hugely pregnant anymore. it was heartbreaking, gut wrenching, everything. the one thing we want more than anything, I had it in a dream and even in the dream it got taken away from us.


and of course the other part of me is hoping this is somewhat of an omen that we'll be getting pregnant in the very near future... if we weren't ttc, I wouldn't even think anything of my dream. grr.

clomid

(cycle 48, day 7)

how the hell has it been 48 cycles since my last birth control pill?!  : (

I picked up my first round of clomid last thursday. for 5 little pills, it was pretty expensive, but if I get a sticky THB from it, it'll be the best money I ever spent.

tonight is my last dose this cycle and so far I'm not noticing any side effects, except maybe a bit of a nagging headache, but its a dull, almost unnoticeable, headache. I was expecting to be a raging bitch already and other than being a bit more emotional that usual on Saturday, I wouldn't even really call any of this symptoms of the clomid. maybe I'm just lucky to not be experiencing any.

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't at least a little unsettling to not be experiencing any side effects. I've heard so many stories of women dealing with hot flashes, headaches, raging hormones, the list goes on, but I'm not getting any of it. at least not yet. i'll be honest that I don't really know when most of those symptoms start showing up, but I figured it would be only a couple days after starting them, which should be by now, but nothing. I wish there was a way to know earlier if its doing its job or not sooner than getting a positive OPK, like say the last dose there was a test to somehow tell you that, yes, its working, you have x amount of follicles growing and should O in x amount of days. if only, eh?

I've heard a lot of success stories about women only needing to do one cycle to get a BFP, so of course that's also in the back of my mind right now. I have so much hope for this cycle, but there's also that other half of me saying that if it hasn't happened by now, what difference would clomid make? but again, so many other women try without success, use clomid, and bam, pregnant.

I hate ttc.

hopeful for nothing

(cycle 47, day 32, 13 dpo)

I wish I had a chance to temp over the weekend, but sleeping somewhere else wasn't going to be reliable enough for me. so I had that crazy temp dip on 8dpo, my temp recovered on 9dpo, or at least as far as I can tell since I only got 3 hours of sleep and temped about 2.5 hours early.... even with an adjusted temp, it was up slightly over other post O temps and then we were away for 3 nights. my temp this morning was still kinda high for post O, but just slightly lower than majority of my other LP temps so it seems as though its on its way down.

over the weekend I had a few things that made me think it was possible to be pregnant, a couple headaches here and there (but could be explained by a lack of water consumption), some tightness or slight cramps here and there (don't think I can explain those away on something else, but I could be looking way too hard at insignificant things), and didn't feel well most nights. I did break down and buy a 2-pack of FRERs and tested Saturday and Monday morning while away, but predictably they turned up BFN. I'm hoping its just not quite high enough to be picked up on a test, but given I got a BFP 4-5 days after implantation cramping (which happened at 5-6dpo both times), once its about 4-5 days after something that could have been implantation, I get a bit bummed if I don't see a BFP.

it sucks that this cycle likely didn't work, I'm getting really tired of trying and really tired of DH having hissy fits, but at least the next 2 cycles i'll get clomid. that should hopefully give us a boost and if those 2 cycles don't work, i'll feel like we're not going to have much of a choice in the way our family is made. at that point, I'm guessing it will either be IUI or IVF for us, or no kids at all.

why is this one taking so long compared to the others? I know the others were longer calendar wise, but this one is taking longer cycle wise where there was a chance.

a comparison chart

(cycle 47, day 27, 8 dpo)

remember 2 days ago when I said I wasn't hopeful and to ask in a few days if I still felt that way?

now I feel hopeful  : P  last night I started feeling something in my pelvis, but it was very minor so didn't think much of it. this morning I woke up to a crazy low temp, like below normal pre-O temps. I even temped again right after to make sure the thermometer was working properly and still got a low temp, but more like my pre-O temps. I usually have a dip around 8dpo, but its not a major one like today (0.4-0.6C), its just a small one (0.1ishC). so of course that's got me thinking implantation dip  : P  I haven't had significant cramping like before, but the day is young and there's still time for that to happen, lol.

a bit of a comparison:

Cycle 43 - possible chemical pregnancy

Cycle 47 - this cycle

I didn't mark down the possible BFP at 8dpo on the cycle 43 chart, but you can clearly see the possible implantation dip at 6dpo, which is the day I had the major cramping. up until yesterday, I thought this cycle was just another average cycle since my temps were fairly steady, until it dropped like crazy this morning. since I'm getting up at the ass crack of dawn tomoro morning, I don't think my temp will be reliable, but i'll temp anyway just to see if when its adjusted, where it lands on my chart. I also won't be temping while away for the weekend because those temps will also be unreliable with sleeping somewhere different in a different environment.

I only have one cheapie left so I don't want to waste it by testing too early and not having any to use when I get back, but with the dip, I desperately want to test Saturday morning so I know if I can drink or not at the wedding... I probably won't drink much anyway, unless we decide to cab it back to the hotel, but I also don't want to get drunk if there's a baby making a home. I did just buy a 2 pack of FRER's..... I could take one with me and still have one at home.... what's a test-aholic to do?!?!?!

one down, 3 to go

I got my cd21/7dpo blood test done today, along with the STI tests. i'll also get to find out what my blood type is finally, lol. good thing I've never asked for that test to be done before, apparently its only free when it has to do with fertility testing, yikes! I don't want to know what it would cost...

I just have one last round of testing done to do my part, cd3. I'm not sure when that will fall, if it will be during the week or on the weekend since I'm not entirely confident that I'm 7dpo. I'm fairly certain, I had O cramps on cd19, but my temps suggest cd20 as O day unless I use the research method on FF. but I'm going with cd19 because it makes the most sense with opk results and the cramping. if that's the case, cd3 will be as late as next Friday with my now usual 13 day LP. but if I did O on cd20 (one day difference shouldn't have much of an effect on progesterone levels, if any), its possible cd3 won't be until next Saturday. in which case, all labs in the area are closed. boo! so when I was being sucked dry of blood, I asked the tech what to do in that case and she said to just get the nurses at registration to make a note that I might be in on the 16th so that I don't get hassled by them for coming in on a weekend to get that done. I wouldn't want to have to wait god knows how many cycles to get cd3 on a weekday! with the way my body has been acting lately, I wouldn't put it past it to do that to me.

so all that's left is DH's testing. something I'm hoping he'll do sooner rather than later since he's now the one we'll be waiting on to get that referral in. his blood test will be easy, he can just use a lunch hour to do it, its the taking 2 hours off work plus a lunch hour to go to the city, and it not be right in the middle of a week that I'm fertile... that's going to be the hard part since by the time he'll have the time to go, it might be time to get BDing... grrr. so I guess either way, that referral won't be getting in til early September even though my cycle messing up made it possible to get my testing done earlier than I expected to. go figure.

to hope or not to hope

(cycle 47, day 25, 6 dpo)

sometimes I wish I didn't pick up temping again  ; )  I read way too much into it and then get disappointed when I don't see what I want to see in my chart. I'm only 6dpo and already sad I haven't had a temp dip or something yet and sad I haven't felt implantation cramps either. already feeling like this cycle isn't the one... boo!

talk to me in a few days and ask if I'm hopeful or not, I'm sure the answer will change daily  ; )

rollercoaster

(cycle 47, day 19)

today might finally be O day! only 6 days behind last cycle's... and we even got some BDing in! bonus!!! so we actually have a chance this cycle and i'll be able to get all my testing within the next 2.5 weeks because i'll actually be home and not in Ontario on the days I need that testing done  : )  now I just have to get DH to the city to do his... his bloodwork isn't a problem because the lab is in town, but the SA is in the city an hour+ away depending on traffic...

but can I just say how frustrating it is to have such variation in my cycles? ugh. I don't think its ever been this bad the entire time we've been trying. maybe a random cycle here and there, but it would just go from Oing on say cd14 to 19, then slowly work its way back down instead of going right back to cd14, or vice versa. so this whole going from IDK to cd14, 14, 20, 16, 13, 19 is a bit much for me.

the irregularity has been really hard on DH because of his low sex drive. if we plan for me to O early (cd14-ish) and I don't O til cd20, he's pretty worn out by cd16 and the rest of it is pretty difficult to make happen. its hard on both of us, really. I'm hoping there's going to be a little something coming back with us from Ontario or that clomid will be our miracle. *fingers crossed*

spoke too soon

(cycle 47, day 17)

I may have jinxed myself a couple posts ago.... I thought I was going to O last week since I was starting to get some watery cm, but that's where it ended. that dried up and my opks haven't been getting any darker. this cycle is very much like my April cycle when I didn't O til cd20...

I went from Oing regularly between cd14-16 for a year and a half (since July 2012) and then things went wonky. I had those 2 cycles at the beginning of the year where I didn't get any fertile signs and AF showed up on cd35 the one cycle and then went back to normal. but because I didn't get any fertile signs those 2 cycles, I decided to take up temping and OPKs again, which I hadn't done any temping since April 2012... my cycle hasn't been the same since xmas. I had those two cycles where I don't know when O day was and then with tracking I had two normal cycles and my fertile cm made a return. since then I've Od on cd20, cd16, cd13 and I'm already on cd17 this cycle without a positive OPK yet...

the good thing about this is that my testing will get done by mid-august, well that is if I O by Thursday (cd20) because I won't be in Ontario for MIL's wedding on any day I need testing (7dpo or cd3) which was going to be the case had I Od by Saturday/sunday. if I O after this Thursday, my testing won't be done til late august because i'll be in Ontario for the 7dpo test. this is incredibly frustrating.

at least DH is home so if and when I do O, we might still have a shot this cycle if we can get some BDing in this week. though I'm not sure how likely that is since he's had a sore throat since Friday and its only gotten worse... I'm hoping it starts getting better soon so he might be in the mood to BD, I don't want to force it and push my luck and have it backfire...

I'm still hopeful that when I start clomid we might actually get a baby out of it, but I've got to get out of this cycle first...

renewed hope

I haven't had this feeling in a very long time. I actually feel like we'll be able to get pregnant and not have to wait much longer (other than how long we've already waited of course). I don't feel all doom and gloom like I was for the last, oh I don't know, 2 years? since well before getting pregnant the second time and it continued after that MC too because I felt like I'd have to wait just as long for a third pregnancy (which its already been that long, but you get my drift). I feel like its right around the corner for us now  : )

it must be because I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders after my apt with my doc yesterday. I feel like we're getting somewhere, especially with getting 2 rounds of clomid. I've heard and read so many success stories of women getting pregnant using clomid that it makes me hopeful. I missed being hopeful, a lot. lately its been "if we get to have kids..." instead of "when". now I feel like we'll actually get to have those kids and not have to limit ourselves to one because of how much work its taking to get that one. I no longer feel stuck in a circle of ttc, trying each month and having AF show up each of those months. like seriously, a completely renewed hope. I wonder how long this hope will last though...

and then of course i'll be absolutely terrified of MCing yet again when we do get pregnant. so much so that I feel like I should continue with every day life the way it is now instead of taking it easy because I will inevitably lose it. but I don't want to drag this few and far between happy about ttc post with fears of when I do get pregnant.

so I remain hopeful that we'll get pregnant very soon  ; )

Apt Update

(cycle 47, day 11)

I finally got my apt with my doc to go over what's next as far as fertility is concerned since its been 12 cycles without a pregnancy (save for a possible chemical back in april that is unconfirmed and may have been just a false positive).

she's sending us for a few more tests that need to be done before an RE will see us:
-SA for DH
-STI testing for us both (required by the RE)
-CD3 testing for FSH, prolactin and TSH levels
-CD21/7DPO testing for progesterone levels and to find out what my blood type is since I have no clue

she's referring us to an RE but we need to get all that testing done before they will even book us an apt and they book 4-6 months in advance  : (  she made it sound like we're probably headed toward getting an IUI done with the RE since we can get pregnant on our own, we just might need some help with the selection of sperm (depending on the results of the SA) or the delivery of the sperm into my uterus/tubes. the unfortunate part is that we have to wait about 1.5-2 months to get referred because of the way my cycle is falling when we go to Ontario for MIL's wedding. if I had taken the apt for july 14 with my doc and just waited til after the apt to go on holidays, I would've had it done that day because that was cd3, rats. just missed it. so that test won't be done until early September unless I don't O for another week this cycle (which isn't likely since I'm showing signs of it happening by Saturday...) or O today or tomoro (which also isn't likely since today is only cd11 and that would be extremely early for me) to allow that test to happen either the day before we leave or the day after getting back. but the way its going, i'll be cd4 or later when we get back. though it probably isn't that big a deal since DH has to find the time to get his SA done and that's probably going to be closer to when I can get that cd3 test done anyway. he has to go to the city (the lab he has to drop it off at is just over an hour away on a good day) and have it at the lab within an hour of collecting it. collection time for those tests at that lab is between 10am and 1pm, Monday to Thursday. it would just be way too easy for them to collect on Friday's since DH will have 2 Friday's off by the time I get that cd3 test done so he wouldn't have to leave work for 2.5-3 hours in the middle of the day, grr. he'll probably use his lunch for some of that time so he's not taking too much time off work, but its right at a time when we're taking holidays left and right. but it has to be done, I'm not waiting til xmas for him to do it and then not seeing the RE til next summer... if we get all the testing done by early September, we'll be at the RE early next year, when we've been ttc for 4.5 years...

so in the meantime, while waiting for that as of yet to be booked apt, we can continue TTC and hope to get pregnant on our own. she also prescribed 2 rounds of clomid for me to give us a bit of a boost and see if that's all we really need. so I'm already too far in this cycle to try it, so next cycle i'll be giving that a try. I was curious to see if she would prescribe that to me given that I O on a regular basis and clomid is typically used for women who don't O, have really irregular cycles or O really late regularly. the good thing about clomid is that you typically will release more eggs which means a higher chance of one getting fertilized and becoming a baby. the downside is there's a much higher chance of multiples, something I've always wanted to avoid  : /  if it happens, it happens, I'm not going to die because of it, life would just be stupidly hectic for many years and very expensive when you can't feasibly use handmedowns for the next one because the next one is the same age using the same things at the same time... thank god we plan on setting up RESPs so secondary schooling is way more affordable and that will be our contribution to their schooling.
...and now I'm getting way ahead of myself  : P 

I'm gearing up to O this cycle already and I'm hoping none of these tests will be necessary, but its a necessary step if doing it on our own just isn't going to work.

AF showed up

(cycle 47, day 10)

so after crazy temp rises, my temp jumped off a cliff and well below the coverline at 11dpo and even further at 12dpo. I also started spotting about 3 days before she showed up, which has never happened before and I was hoping the first of those 3 days was implantation, but alas, it wasn't. just AF being her unpredictable self. I seriously haven't had 2 cycles in a row be the exact same. I went from pretty super regular to being all over the place. went from about a 27 day cycle to 34, 29, 27, 26, 33, 29, 26. I feel so lost with my cycles. I never know what to expect and I can't count on the next cycle being a normal one because when I do that, it does the exact opposite. I haven't had this much fluctuation in a long time.

so we go the doc tomoro. I don't know what to expect from that appt. I'm hoping requisitions for tests instead of just a consult so we're not wasting more time than we already have. i'm not even sure I have a year left in me to keep trying. I might if we're doing more than what we have been, like IUI's or IVF's or something to help us along, otherwise, what's the point in continuing to try on our own?

anyway, I started writing this on cd2 but then got occupied by a week at my aunt and uncle's cabin in Saskatchewan and am now on cd10 and hoping to O by end of this week because DH will be away next weekend at a hockey tournament in jasper... god only knows what my cycle is going to do. I started getting creamy cm pretty early, but its also only cd10 so I should start noticing more fertile signs very soon if I am going to O before the weekend.

fluke

after seeing my temp rise yesterday to a nearly never before seen high, today's was much higher. it went from 36.93 to 37.68. but I also ended up with a fever last night so I don't feel like I can actually use those temps in my chart  : /  it started yesterday with a sore throat and then by mid-afternoon I had really bad back pain. when I got home, I decided to just lay on the couch instead of go for a walk/run like I was planning. I started taking my temp to monitor it and it got as high as 38.7 before going to bed. my bbt and morning check on my temp (which I did about 5 minutes after getting out of the shower, not at the same time as bbt) were basically the same, around 37.7. so I don't know what to make of it and i'll probably have to toss the temps from the last 2 days out so it doesn't skew my chart. I will be going to the walk-in clinic this morning though so I can get rid of this sore throat before holidays start.

I don't have time to be sick! in the 5 days I have before holidays, I have to make a batch of buttertarts to bring to the cabin, clean my truck, take my cousins swimming at our city's new pool and do more baking with them, bring my dog to a friend's place in the city to dogsit her, step class, laundry, pack for a week, and finish a set of plans. I'm not busy at all  ::)  I should be able to get it all done, but it will probably take up my entire weekend. ugh.

but seriously, I wish I could count on my temp right now cuz it makes me happy to see it so high, even if I haven't seen a bfp yet... because yes, I'm still a poas-aholic and started testing at 8dpo...

i bet you're tired of this now, lol

(cycle 46, day 23, 9 dpo)

my temp went up this morning. like a lot. like to a temp I don't normally achieve in the 2ww, ever. I have 3 charts that have a temp over 36.90 but its an isolated temp and only lasts a day so I'm interested to see what it is tomoro. to say I'm now getting hopeful is an understatement  ; ) 

 

 

i'm doing it again...

(cycle 46, day 22, 8 dpo)

...I'm being hopeful. at least until I temped this morning  : /  my temp was going up earlier than normal and my boobs started hurting a couple days sooner than usual, but then this morning I had my usual 8dpo dip. I still plan on testing by Thursday, only because of my holidays next week, but its not with as much hope as I had yesterday... *sigh*



ETA:  I totally forgot to mention anything about a freaky dream I had over the weekend...

so my bf who's wedding I'm standing in October might be making the out west because of her fiancé's job. with planning the wedding in Ontario, she isn't looking to move just yet and wants to at least wait until after the wedding to make the big change (if they decide to move out here since his job is flying him back and forth). well I dreamt that it turned out that the possibility of her moving out here wasn't known to anyone else and then she freaked out on me and told me I was pretty much the worst friend ever. I begged her and she just kept saying mean things like "of course you're trying to do what you can to fix this, but you can't. damage is done, I hope you're happy, yadda yadda yadda". I woke up, I almost thought it was real and was actually worried about our friendship! but thank god it was just a dream. of course it wasn't until today that I thought maybe it was a prego symptom *insert eyeroll* jesus. I just can't help myself from being hopeful can I?

back in the 2ww, again.

(cycle 46, day 17, 3 dpo)

another 2ww, another dollar. back to Oing on cd14. I wish my body would go back to doing the same thing every cycle instead of being different every cycle. it gets old not being able to count on when I'll be fertile because its not the same every month. I want that predictability back!

thankfully Oing on cd14 this cycle means i'll be able to get confirmation for my doc before going on holidays, and not have to be at the lab for god knows how long on the day I plan on leaving for the cabin. I plan on testing next Thursday so that if I get a BFP, I can test again on Friday to be sure its not a fluke and then go to the lab in the afternoon. that's if I even get a BFP this cycle. if I don't, I can't wait to enjoy drinks at the cabin!

numb? defeated?

I feel like I'm just going through the motions of TTC lately and while I still get pissed off seeing others get what we want, I just feel numb to it all at this point. or at least numb to our situation, I'm definitely not numb when others express their happiness over things that happen for them seemingly easily...

while I wish we could just give up, I know that I'd have to go on the rest of my life being jealous and resentful of those who get to have kids and that's not how I want to live for the next 50+ years. I want to know that we did what we could, but I'm also tired of doing all of that. I know we haven't even scratched the surface as far as things we can do to help this since we haven't actually been tested for infertility purposes, but 4 years later, I think we've paid our dues. I'd love to know that we will for sure get pregnant, even if I don't know when but at least at some point in the next 6 months and it actually turn into a real, live baby. at least it would give me peace of mind that we'd get what we want so badly, but we don't.

I really hope the doctor visit in july helps answer some of these questions or we somehow get fast tracked to get things figured out and it doesn't turn into a long drawn out process and we get to 5 years without any answers...

last chance before help

(cycle 46, day 1)

AF showed up if you couldn't tell by my cd1 status....  : ( 

I started getting really hopeful and could swear I saw a hint of something on tests, but I think I've got line eyes and I'm willing myself to see things cuz when I take a real good look, there's nothing on them other than the control line. my temps were keeping me hopeful since they were staying up until this morning. so now that I can't depend on my temp to drop a couple days before AF shows up, I think I'm just going to temp til I can for sure confirm O and then put the thermometer away til around cd10 to temp for O again. no point in getting myself excited when temps mean nothing anymore.

so with that, I also set up an apt with my doc to start talking about what our next steps are and what tests we need to do so we can get on with getting our THB. we've been as consistent as possible with TTC and we only avoided 2 cycles this year. its now starting to take a toll on our sex life where we really only have sex when there's a chance it could turn into a baby. we've been doing so well over the last almost 4 years not letting it get in the way of having sex outside of my fertile window, but its now started to creep in. not like we get busy every other day or so when I'm not fertile, we were still only once a week or so kind of couple, but that's been gone for 2 months now and I'm noticing the difference in us. I'm hoping getting help will take the pressure off of us and we can go back to normal. I won't let the doc tell us to try something different for a couple months because that won't work. we've waited long enough and if we have to implement a different BDing schedule, it will just end badly by putting pressure on us to perform when they want us to instead of what we can muster ourselves. no point in going through that, though I don't think they would do that us given how long we've been TTC...

so we have one cycle to get it done before I see the doc and probably one cycle before we get answers or some kind of outside help. of course if this cycle works, I can turn my apt into an apt to get an US requisition since it would be the right timing for that, but I also would have to somehow hide it for a week with family at the cabin... would be pretty fucking hard to avoid drinks for an entire week without someone noticing and saying something. though I've also thought about getting news out right away next time so we don't have that to jinx ourselves with like the last 2... all of that is hypothetical since the chances of it actually happening are slim (I feel like a broken record cuz I'm sure I've said those words in almost every single blog post over the last 6 months...).

we'll see what the next month brings... hopefully something good before we go through the rigours of infertility testing....

still in the 2ww

(cycle 45, day 26, 10 dpo)

I oddly have no urge to test early this cycle. probably thanks to my average temps. they're following the typical pattern so I'm not expecting this cycle to go any differently. if my temp is up tomoro, I'm waiting at least one more day to see if its a fluke like that other cycle I had a crazy jump at 11dpo. but yeah, not expecting different results with something that's the same as before. there's still that small shred of hope left that because others have had no tip offs that they were pregnant before AF was due that maybe that could be me. but that small shred of hope is just that, a shred. I don't actually believe it would happen like that...

so I guess I'm finally making that "please help us" phone call next week  : (  I never thought we'd be having to do this. we have one more cycle to try before I'd see the doc so maybe the threat of that will shock my body into doing something different, like, you know, get pregnant. it seems to happen for many other women (obviously not everyone). though so does getting pregnancy relatively easy and since I definitely don't fall in that category, I'm not expecting a different outcome.

oh 2ww, how i loathe the

(cycle 45, day 16)

we've done what we could this cycle, now we wait. at the end of my last post, I added that I started getting ewcm, well that continued for about 4 days! I'm starting to think though that it was aided along by the amoxicillin I was on at the beginning of my cycle when I had a pretty bad throat infection... either way, if it helped give me good cm for a cycle, i'll take it. I just hope it wasn't a one time thing and I'm actually back to normal and will continue getting fertile cm each cycle from now on and it wasn't just the amoxicillin making a difference.

I also thankfully Od at a more normal time this cycle. it might have been yesterday or today, I'm not really sure and hopefully my temp goes up tomoro otherwise, I might have to give up temping this cycle cuz there's no way that if tomoro's is still low that I didn't O for 3 days after a positive OPK... oh, I also got back my fade in pattern on my OPKs this cycle  : )  after noticing the ewcm I started my OPKs on cd11 instead of cd12 just in case. on cd13 the test got a bit darker and then on cd14 it was a blazing positive all day and back to just barely negative on cd15. normally I would O the day after a positive so I figured today's temp would be up signalling that yesterday was O day. so that's why I'm hoping tomoro's temp is up otherwise I won't know what to make of my temps.

we got at least 2 BDs in this cycle. I really have to give props to DH cuz he's really been trying to do his part for the last 8 months. the first couple months after the MC we took it easy but since we've been back to really trying, he's really been trying. it definitely hasn't gone unnoticed. but that's also why I don't want to wait much longer to get help or see a BFP, I don't know much longer he can keep up the routine  : /  I know he would like a break from having to BD on particular days and go back to BDing whenever the mood strikes us. its been hard having to stay motivated and I so appreciate his efforts, it would just be nice to be rewarded with a BFP for those efforts for once...

well I guess we'll see how this cycle plays out. same timing as last year, same days of the week for everything, just a number day different.... if I don't get a BFP for father's day, i'll be calling the doc to schedule the appt...

here we are again

(cycle 45, day 11)

because of the unpredictable nature of my last few cycles I have no idea when I'm going to O. I don't want this cycle to turn into what last cycle was and have BDing becoming incredibly difficult to pull off because of O being delayed by a week and burning out. but I also don't want to wait until a positive OPK to start BDing because I don't want to run the chance of BDing not happening when it needs to by putting it off til a positive OPK. but I also don't want to burn ourselves out too early if I O later. I wish I knew more than a day or two before O that I was going to O. it would make it so much easier. knowing 4 days before a positive OPK would be so much more helpful in my situation.

though thankfully last cycle saw a return of the previously elusive ewcm so maybe i'll get that same sign this cycle? I think I might since I'm already seeing a drastic improvement in the cm department over the last 4-5 cycles, so maybe i'll O on a more normal schedule this cycle. but who knows til I get that positive OPK. my cm is nearly watery/ewcm in texture, so maybe i'll catch a break this cycle and O will happen sooner than last month. we'll see I guess.

though I am still dreading a bfp this cycle because of the same timing as the last pregnancy and deja vu happening all over again if we suffer the same fate and have another MC. obviously I would hope to god that I could replace the bad memories with good ones, but if not, summer will forever be a sad time for me cuz that would be 2 years in a row. but this is all hypothetical cuz I would have to actually get pregnant for any of that to happen, which let's face it, the cards aren't in my favor.

just please let me get pregnant in the next 2 cycles so I can better deal with seeing DH's cousin's baby.... ugh.


apparently I'm pretty good at jinxing myself  : P  already a few hours after posting this I had some ewcm, lol. so I guess this cycle will be more on the 'normal' side... guess we better get BDing since we haven't done that since before Oing last cycle  : /

picture dump!

garage finished getting drywalled in january. there's still one piece that has to go up that's under the trap of tub, we just need to double check that nothing leaks on the tub and the last piece will go up and it'll finally get mudded some time starting after next weekend and then tools can start getting more organized and not be anywhere and everywhere all over the house :)

 

tile around the tub and backsplash got done and the tub got dropped into its home in april. its all grouted just has to be sealed. half the bathroom is painted, just waiting for DH to put up the board on one side of the shower so I can finish the last corner of mud and finish painting the bathroom. loving the tile we picked and the colour on the walls

primer makes quite the difference!

the texture on the upstairs ceilings also got done in april and that really started making it feel like we were actually going to finish the addition soon.

stairwell lights going up and the platform finally came down right after they got installed! it made painting the top of the stairwell a million times easier and also made it easier to install the light. DH still ducks his head going up the stairs after about 8 months of having the platform up, lol. I never had to duck cuz it was just high enough I only ever brushed my hair against it ;)

the last of the carpet and other demolition in the house! (end of april)



did majority of the underlay myself (DH helped screw down 2 or 3 pieces, lol) so that everything was all at the same level once the carpet went in (beginning of may)

the last of the ugly green got primed over!!!

the few bits of furniture out of the way for the carpet installer. the underpadding done (mid-may) and the paint got done in the hallway (april)

we're loving the colour we picked for our new bedroom :)

hayhay's been loving having the carpet in cuz it means the floor is much more comfortable than the bare floor she's had for over a month :P

our picture and mirror reassembled. the lights probably could've been installed a little higher, but we'll leave them there for now, maybe some day next year, lol

new bedroom! still waiting on our new comforter set though :( its so awesome going to bed in this now. I just wish I didn't have to walk back to the other bathroom or our old closet for clothes...

from house to home

big changes in the house the last few weeks  : D

its been weird getting used to the house at all the different stages, especially when so many things change in a short amount of time. from the very start it was all the dirt in the front yard, then it was seeing the addition take shape, then it was ripping out walls upstairs, having the outside finished, having all new windows and fancy new front door, drywall going up in the addition, new walls and drywall going up in the existing upstairs, carpet being ripped out... in the last month it went from a construction zone to a home. primer went on the walls, texture on the ceiling, finally paint on the walls, laminate in the computer nook, carpet on the floor and furniture and pictures back in place. its incredibly surreal to see it all come together and be sleeping in our new room. one that at times we thought we'd never get to use!

the only big project left is the shower. its the bane of my existence because DH keeps procrastinating on it. standing in the master looking at the new bed and window and look to your right and all you see is chaos. all the tools that have ever been used in the bathroom all haphazardly stuffed in there. its one of those things that feels like it will never get done, or it will if I just do it myself. I'm hoping that after this weekend, he'll actually get enough motivation to finish it since this weekend he's seating the tub after another leak test and we're putting up the last piece of drywall in the garage once the tub is good. then we just have to finish emptying the garage so that the mudders can come in and do the garage for us. so hopefully we only need this weekend on that and the shower can get going next weekend. I've already told dh no bike trips or anything til the shower is done!

I promise i'll get around to putting up pics of the progress on the house. given how much has changed since I last posted a pic, it will probably be a very long picture dense post  ; )

that lasted long...

(cycle 44, day 32, 12 dpo)

my temp tanked this morning. I'm now convinced yesterday's was a fluke. sigh. how much longer do I have to wait for something to happen?!?! I'm just hoping my body starts cooperating and not make me wait so long to be fertile. though I don't really want the next cycle work out because I'd have all the same date reminders (at least within less than a week) of what they were last summer  : (  if it worked out, I'd hope like hell that my old bad date memories could be replaced with better, happier memories of a THB instead of a MC... but what are the chances next cycle would work anyway? we'll only be on cycle 9 of ttc since a MC, so I'm pretty sure any pregnancy is still 2-3 cycles away, minimum. I'm pretty sure I'm leaning towards seeing the doctor in july instead of waiting for august or September... so at least that's only 1-2 cycles away...

and now I wait. af should be here tomoro or sunday. just want I wanted to deal with on a long weekend or in our new bed. I wanted to be able to do some sexy time in our new bed and unless that happens tonight, it won't be happening until next weekend... unless by some stroke of pure luck today's temp was a fluke and I am pregnant. ha. right.

uncharted territory

i think I've only had one other cycle where I was temping that my temp was oddly up a lot higher than ever before so late in the 2ww, but that was almost 2 years ago... and it wasn't as high as today's temp. today's temp is a record, and looking back at really old charts, I've only gone over 36.8 less than 5 times in over 2 years but never higher than around 36.9 and twice I went up 36.97ish. but again, those are really old charts. I did a few chart overlays so I could compare this temp to every since one of my charts and it sticks out like a sore thumb. I was incredibly hopeful this morning which is the opposite of what I was expecting to feel before waking up.

I've never had a temp as high as 37.00 I had to do a double take when I saw the number. I was totally expecting my temp to plummet today as it always does in the 2ww at 11dpo so because my temp went so far in the other direction, I tested. I'm regretting that decision now since it looks like a bfn and now dh thinks I'm stressing myself out by temping, which is not what's happening. I didn't get to test in secret like I normally do since I got so excited over a high temp I totally forgot to let the dog out, so I dipped the test and left it all on the counter to let her out and when I got to the bottom of the stairs, dh was on his way upstairs, where all the test stuff was out in the open, so didn't have a chance to hide it from him. he asked if I had to throw it out, so I said yes since I didn't see anything other than white where the second line would be and I told him why I tested (because my temp was way up and that never happens) and he interpreted that as though I'm stressing out about my temps. if anything, my temps are helping me stay sane since its helped me pinpoint O when everything else going on with my body is making it impossible to figure out. if I assumed my body was doing what it did the last two cycles (O on cd14 and a 12 day LP) I would be freaking out about AF being 5 days late already and bitching about how my body is messed up, like it was a few cycles ago. that's the reason I started temping again, I couldn't make sense of my body but my temps made sense for me.

so because I had a bfn, I'm kind of expecting today's temp to have been a fluke and tomoro's will be back down towards my coverline and i'll expect to see AF over the weekend instead of being scared shitless that we finally got pregnant again. only time will tell, but tomoro morning seems so far away!

surrounding mothers day

(cycle 44, day 29, 9 dpo)

this might be a bit of a long, jumbled and rambly post, so bear with me.

I wasn't completely dreading mothers day this year, but its probably because I knew I would be far too busy to even give any thought to it, and I was bus-ay! I also made an effort to avoid my triggers, like grocery shopping during the busiest time of the day and seeing bunch of ppl buying flowers for their wives/mothers, I also removed FB from my phone so it wasn't as easy for me to log in and see all the mother praising posted all over my news feed.

Friday i was busy finishing the underlay in the addition to bring the floor up to the same height as the existing house.
Saturday i started by getting up early and priming the walk-in-closet followed by a mothers day breakfast with my mom, DH, my sister and BIL, which we decided to do Saturday so we avoided the rush of mothers day in restaurants, which worked out perfectly as it wasn't busy at all. after breakfast, my mom and i went to the greenhouse to pick out her hanging basket i buy her every year and so i could pick out a couple new flowers for my garden since deciding i would plant veggies in a container instead (which i havent' started yet) and had left some space in my garden for veggies so i wanted to fill it out. once i got home from that, i was off to a presentation put on by a fire fighter from Winnipeg about "surviving survival", surviving life after your worst fear about being a fire fighter happens (a standard structure fire suddenly going wrong and losing a couple guys and a few guys being hurt/burned). i knew it would be a bit hard for me cuz it is one of the things i worry about with DH being on the department. i went home after to plant my new flowers and then went to the supper the fire dept provided after the presentation. finally got around to painting the first coat of white paint in the closet and the back of the niche and then spent about 30 mintues with HayHay before leaving again to see "Neighbors" at the theatre with a bunch of others from the fire dept.
after the movie and getting home is when the reality of mothers day hit me like a ton of bricks. i was consumed with grief knowing this should have been my second, or even my first mothers day to a baby. it made for a shitty rest of my night, which wasn't long since by the time i got home from the movie was 11:30.
Sunday i was back to being busy. first on my agenda was the second coat of white paint, after that i got started on laying the laminate for the computer nook so that i finished on a full row instead of having to rip any in half or anything by waiting to put it in after the carpet was installed. it took me while to get a rhythm going and wrecked 2 boards in the process until DH tried putting a piece in place and me realizing that the boards in the same row didn't have a little groove to go into the piece on the floor next to it and could be lined up right next to it and then dropped down, there was only a little groove on the long joints, so after that, it went much smoother and i only ruined one board after that by cutting it too short, not by accidentally taking off the fragile particle board lip on the tongue of the boards (i know that's probably totally confusing to those that have never laid laminate). i only got about half done before going over to my grandparents for the big family mothers day dinner cuz they did it in the middle of the day cuz others had commitments later on. i didn't stay long, just long enough for dessert and then it was back to the house to finish the small laminate floor (at least now, if we ever do more laminate in the house, i'll know what to do). once that was done, i sanded the last 2 walls in the stairwell that weren't painted (cuz they're the same colour as the living room, so I'm waiting til i paint the window patching to paint those walls and do it all at once) and got DH to prime them for me while i made my grocery list. did groceries, ate and went to bed. we were finally ready for carpet and I made it through mothers day. when we were cudding in bed, that's when DH finally told me "happy mothers day"  <3

I'm still sad for us and that it was another parent holiday that we still don't get to enjoy and just sit and watch everyone else revel in it.

I also experienced a first yesterday, the first person to go out of their way to tell me personally about their pregnancy because they knew I was struggling and wanted to make sure I didn't hear it from someone else. I can't even express in words my gratitude towards this person for doing that and because they did this incredibly kind gesture, I feel like i'll be able to watch their pregnancy proceed without hatred towards them (not that I hate others, I just can't stomach to see their pregnancies because its a big reminder of what we're going through and what we're missing out on). of course I'm still dying on the inside, but I'm genuinely happy for her, which is rare for me and there is a small handful of women that I feel that way for.

because of this friend being pregnant and DH knowing how much I hurt when I find out about others' pregnancies, he's finally decided we need to seek help. thank god I won't have to feel like I'm twisting his arm to make this step! I've been waiting for him to jump on the bandwagon for a very long time. I realize that its probably his way of fixing my broken heart, but I'm so glad he's ready for this. we'll probably wait til we've slowed down a bit on the house (only the shower is left for big projects) and relax a little before we start the craziness of infertility testing and hopefully treatment. though hopefully we're blessed before then, like now would be awesome (not testing til Thursday or Friday), so we don't have to go through all that craziness.

finally in the 2ww

(cycle 44, day 23, 3 dpo)

I finally Od! and my temp so far in the 2ww is crazy high... chart weirdness is a guarantee for a BFP right? if last cycle's maybe BFP test was in fact that and I had a chemical, then I would agree that chart weirdness is guarantee for a BFP cuz that cycle had all kinds of weird going on.

I'm still having a hard time with my cycles kind of being all over the place. first I have all my usual O signs and then AF shows up late, then I have no O signs but temp confirms O happened and AF shows up on time, now I have signs of O but it happens super late. what happened to my normal, predictable, easy to interpret cycles?!?!

lets just hope a BFP happens so I don't have to wonder what will happen next cycle.... and i'll try to keep my hands off my tests until at least 11dpo this time since I always seem to test too early and then know the inevitable by 11dpo when my temp tanks. I could save a lot of wasted tests if I waited...

why do i torture myself?

i think I might have an unhealthy obsession with pregos  : (  maybe its because I'm trying to live vicariously since we're having such issues achieving it ourselves, but then I end up being upset with myself and in a bad for the rest of the day.

I swear, every week I'm finding out about someone else in peripheral group of friends that's pregnant and we fall even further behind. I can't even manage to like posts/comments/pics in social media because I'm dying on the inside. its not like you can read tone or know the context of when someone gives a congrats, but yet I still feel like if I can't be genuine when I like or comment, that I shouldn't do it all. and then I feel like a shitty person for not doing those things. I'm in a no win situation cuz I get to see all these women go on to have happy, healthy pregnancies and then bask in the glow of motherhood, while I sit on the sidelines for what seems like forever and live with the heartache my MCs have given me with little hope that i'll ever experience more than that.

I do it to myself, really. when I find out someone is pregnant, I check their profile quite often just to see pregnancy stuff and then cry in silence. I really need to stop doing that, but I don't know how I can break the cycle since it also gives me something to do and something to waste time on, but all it ever does is sadden me. why?

nothing like everything being pushed back a week

(cycle 44, day 21, maybe 1dpo?)

I wish I could say without a doubt that yesterday was O, but I can't. I had O pains over Saturday and sunday, but since my temp didn't go up as much as I was hoping, it makes last night's BDing more likely to catch something since it has time to work its way up there. but I hope I O today. I'm done with the "will I won't I" game. I just hope it turns into something cuz I'm gonna have a hard time knowing next cycle is almost exactly the same timing as last summer when I got pregnant, and I'd love to not have to relive those dates in the same way. though if I got pregnant next cycle and it turned out to be our THB, it would be a good way to make those times happy memories instead of ones related to a MC. but I'd still really like this cycle to work out cuz then I wouldn't be getting AF the day our new bed is scheduled to arrive and I'd really like to do some BDing that first weekend  ; )

anyway, hoping I Od yesterday or today and I can quit the games. not much longer til we're seeking help cuz I'm done with this game.

Jinx?

I think I jinxed myself with all my bitching about how my cycle is completely out of whack  : P  no sooner did I post this morning and then get some ewcm, something I haven't seen since January or earlier... and when I got home from work at noon and did my opk, it was actually getting darker! And when I tested again later in the day about 5 hours later, I got a blazing positive!!! So I guess my body isn't totally out to lunch and is actually doing what it's supposed to, albeit 5 days later than usual. The only problem now is BDing... We've had sex 4 times in a week already so I'm hoping DH's got at least one more in him, preferably 2... *fingers crossed*

feels like a flashback

(cycle 44, day 18)

I thought I was done with wonky cycles, apparently not. I haven't gotten a positive OPK even though it seemed like I was headed that way early on and then it just never got darker, in fact, it even got a bit lighter. when I first started doing the OPKs this cycle, they were following my usual pattern and exactly like the last 2 cycles. then something went wrong I don't know what happened.

my temps haven't been very helpful either and I can't count on my CM (just like I haven't been able to count on it the last few months anyway) so O is a little confusing. my temp is now what I would consider post-O, but I still don't have any positive OPKs and I have to take those results out of FF just to get dotted crosshairs. I'm incredibly frustrated and DH knows that since I'm bitching about it every time he asks if I dropped an egg yet. BDing has been an issue, just like I knew it would be if I didn't O on time like I did the last two cycles. we did great last weekend, and then he got tired so Tuesday was a stretch and then because of that, I didn't push for it yesterday and just opted to wait til today to BD again.

if this is what's going to happen to every cycle from now on (no predictability or possibly annovulatory cycles) I guess i'll be heading to the doctor sooner than we were planning. if things aren't working properly, I need to fix them cuz there's no sense in waiting this out and wasting time as the 5 year mark looms closer and screams at me. I just feel like something has been wrong ever since Christmas. the last two cycles I wasn't as concerned since they were normal, but the lack of fertile CM is really starting to bother me, so is the fact that I can't get a positive OPK... the change in scenery better be all I need to get my body to fuck off with this weirdness.