back on the horse!

(cycle 34, day 9)
^
yes, that means we're TTC again! can you tell i'm excited? lol.

we've been fully focused on the house the last couple months so we haven't even talked about TTC in quite a while. so it was probably a good mental break for both of us. I sure hope it was for him since it's been on my mind non-stop, but not talking about it for a while has helped me out. I've also taken a step back from some prego groups I was a part of on FB, so I think that has been helped lowered my stress related to TTC. I can only hope it did the same for him...


this past weekend, we finally picked out our tile for the ensuite! after being totally unsuccessful up to this point whenever talking about tile and even having a few arguments when looking through samples of tiles before, we totally agreed on everything and were able to get everything picked and bought  : )

since dh had a very unsuccessful tile trip the day before now that we've got samples of the granite countertop and stain colour for the vanity itself. we started our day with a breakfast date at Denny's. I love spending time with him because right now, quality time is few and far between. after breakfast, we started with the furthest store from our way home and we'd work our way south back towards the way home hitting all the hardware stores on the way. we didn't find anything at that first store (Rona), so we probably could've skipped that one altogether, lol. next up was Home Depot. we almost found everything we were looking for there, or at least got a better direction to go in. we picked out a basic, somewhat neutral tile for the floor and our accent tile there. from there, we went to Lowe's and got some marble that matches the marble in the accent tiles for the top of the tub surround. while there, we happened to run into our old neighbours so we hung out and chatted for probably at least an hour or so before continuing on our quest to get tile. it was nice to catch up with them since we don't see them much anymore because they live in the city now. last up was Totem (or at least what I thought was Totem but apparently they got bought out by Rona so I was little worried we wouldn't have much luck there since we didnt' have any luck at the first Rona) to pick out the wall tile in the shower. thankfully to my surprise, it was still set up as though it was Totem, just with a different brand name on the signs. thank god! lol. we were able to get all the wall tile picked out (after a bit of a mixup figuring out how much of a certain tile they had cuz we thought they didn't have enough and we'd have to go to another store to get it) and loaded in my little truck. the poor thing has never had so much weight loaded into it! with all that weight, it messed up where my mirrors point when i'm driving, LOL. I couldn't believe we managed to pick it all out and get it home! miracles happen  ; )

on the way home, after such a good day spent shopping with DH, I asked what our plan was with TTC since we hadn't talked about it in a while and we were no longer needing to prevent. to my utter surprise he totally agreed and said we're going to full on TTC again. I gave the option of taking a laid back approach like we had been doing just without the preventing part, but he said no, we'll actually try. to save myself disappointment when I am fertile, i'm only going to expect one BD session and anything else a bonus so I don't get myself all worked up and freaking out over it. I want to enjoy TTC again, not stress ourselves out over it. we can do that in the fall if nothing happens by then. lets just enjoy the summer and the house!!!

about 1500lbs of tile in the back of my poor truck, lol.

all around exhausted

felt a little down yesterday...

this whole addition and TTC being at the same time is really getting to me. we're constantly between NTNP and just giving up with TTC. the house taking forever to finish isn't helping. we're really getting somewhere with it now at least, but I have many days where I feel quite resentful that we took so much time during the winter to sit on our asses and relax for a good while, which we needed, but it still sucked. it kills me because its all time we could have either been TTC or getting the house finished so we could TTC sooner. I just want our baby back. we both agree that it was bad timing last time I was pregnant, but we were being naïve with how we thought the addition would go. it still sucks ass that we had to lose our baby in the process. I wish it was easier for us to get pregnant on our own, but its still looking like we'll still be trying by the fall and will have to go ahead with testing. god knows how long it will take to get appointments for things we can't just get my doc to do  :/

onto the house. you have no idea how much of a difference just getting drywall up will give you! we had our vapour barrier and insulation inspection and the inspector was very happy with what he saw and gave us the go ahead to continue on and even gave us a pass on getting the garage inspected as long as we do as good a job as we did upstairs. so our next inspection is the FINAL! I built the remaining arches while DH worked on the plumbing and I actually got started on the drywall a week and a half ago in the closet and it actually has 2 coats of mud already. I had help from my uncle and my mom during the long weekend and got the majority of the drywall upstairs done, just a few smaller manageable pieces left for me to do. I was so mentally exhausted by the end of sunday and I still had Monday to go. I don't think I've been so exhausted since we dug the hole, but there wasn't a lot of measuring and thinking involved, so even though digging was a lot of hard labour, lifting and cutting drywall was much harder. coming weekend i'll be working on mudding everything, finally. DH worked on landscaping and built some little planters between or western neighbours to bridge the height difference between our yards after the driveway was done. i'm actually going to have my own little herb garden and a couple other things  : )  hopefully I don't kill everything, ha! once he's done with the landscaping and has grass seed down, he'll move onto the upstairs bedrooms so that we can get carpet done up there sooner. I can't believe we're finally talking about carpet, I never thought i'd see the day. things are slowly coming together and its looking awesome! if only I could remember to bring the memory card to work so I could post some more recent pics of it, lol.

not the clearest pic, but it really shows how much work has been going on

come on cd1!

just patiently waiting for AF to show up... i'm at the end of the second cycle of preventing so we can finally actually let whatever may happen, happen. i'm not fooling myself and actually thinking it would happen just like that, but i'd be lying if I wasn't at least a little hopeful that it could happen like that. but lets not kid ourselves. i'd be absolutely shocked if I did somehow manage to get pregnant in the next 4 months since I know we won't be full on TTC and just going with the flow before the stress of testing takes its toll on us just like the toll the house and how long we've already been TTC has taken on us.

to be honest, I don't even fully know when AF should be showing up. I don't know if I can trust my CM since it was kinda messed up this cycle due to meds and I wasn't fully paying attention to much. I noticed some cramping around cd15 that could have been O, but I really don't know for sure. going by history, AF will be showing up sometime in the next day or so (right in time for the long weekend, yay *sarcasm* not that we're going anywhere...) so I guess we'll see... the worst that could happen is she's late, but that could bode in my favor as far as timing with my summer plans, but like that would happen  :P  that or maybe by some stroke of luck a swimmer magically got in there and magically fertilized an egg that may or may not have been released within 4 days of that BD... yeah, and unicorns are real. I've completely ruled out that possibility...

Mother's Day.... sigh

yeah... i'm still bitter about mothers day. the same as last year.

I shouldn't have logged onto facebook at all yesterday. I was bombarded by mothers day this and mothers day that and how thankful women are to have their kids and so on and so forth. it was also hard to do groceries because everyone and their mom (heh) were out either buying things for their mothers day meal, or gifts/flowers for their moms. it ripped my heart out. I want so badly to at least be pregnant next mothers day so I don't tear up at the drop of a hat over a simple comment "happy mothers day" or just seeing a bunch of ppl doing things for their moms. if i'm not, then I think i'll be changing my grocery day to Saturday so don't have to see it all. it was all just so frustrating, heartbreaking, saddening, hurtful, everything. I just wanted to scream, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

even my family still forgets how fragile I am about the baby I lost. I was at the family dinner yesterday and when we were all sitting around the table, my aunt starts counting all the mothers in the family: 3 - my grandma, my mom and an aunt. I couldn't help but tear up so left the table before anyone could see my face. I hate being forgotten and I hate being in this limbo.

limbo. that place where you were supposed to be a mother, but all you are is a mother to an angel so no one ever sees this child you didn't get to mother so they forget about you. you're left behind to pick up the pieces of the life you should've had and expected to continue on without getting upset over little things. the little things that mean so much to a mom that should have been. that hug or cuddle you get from you LO on mothers day. the card your family gets for you. the breakfast in bed your husband helps the kids make. the little things that most ppl don't realize are huge things to someone who had to let those thoughts die along with their baby. I didn't get any of it. this year was supposed to be my first mothers day with my child. instead, I got up at 8am to start working on the house. nothing. no special breakfast, no hug or cuddle, just loneliness and longing for what could have been. limbo.

lets hope next year is better...

Blargh!

so what I was mistaking for incredibly fertile signs, was more likely due to the meds i'm on for the sinus infection I had about 2 weeks ago... doesn't matter anyway since we weren't supposed to be trying. I just hate to see it go to waste since it was in such abundance for so many days (5-6) which is definitely not normal for me.

I did let DH know that we're done preventing now and can just let whatever happens happen for the next couple months. so I guess his whole pulling out thing was because of our agreement to prevent so we could for sure go home next xmas. and here I thought it was just because he likes doing that  : P  i'm really hoping for a surprise by end of summer, but i'm not counting on it so I'm not bummed the hell out when it doesn't happen and we go ahead with testing in the fall...