TTC no more...

well, we're taking a break. i'm not happy about it, but i'd also be very disappointed if I had to miss my BFs wedding. why did it have to work out this way? why? why? why?

when?

(cycle 37, day 26, 12 dpo)

when will it be our turn?

another BFN today and I've lost hope. I didn't expect it to be easy, but I was hopeful that just maybe it wouldn't be so hard this time. I guess those hopes were misplaced  : (

3 years and still nothing to show for it but 2 MCs. this is rough. it will be at least 3.5 years til we can even TTC again because we're forced to take a break. none of this would have to happen if either of those babies had just hung on. we wouldn't be where we are. this last one was even better because we'd be done the house by the time it was born and we would be bringing a baby back east for those weddings. instead, I get to see DH's cousins baby who is due at the same time I was. what a knife to the heart. not only do I lose my precious baby, but I get to watch someone who's not even with the father (or at least things seemed very rocky and it happened very quickly after they got together) and a pregnancy that was a surprise, be a mother and get nothing. just an empty heart. god help me if we don't get pregnant before then... I've only got 9 months... and after our induced break because of those weddings, I've got like 3 cycles to get it done (all depending on when my best friend's wedding is). yeah right, like that would work. fuck.

i'm so tired of the heartache. i'm so tired watching everyone around me get what I want most' i'm so tired of family not understanding what this is like, how much heartbreak this is causing me, anger and complete frustration. i'm so tired of ppl asking if we have kids.

i'm just tired. maybe this break will be good for me. maybe not. I guess we'll see.

B F N

(cycle 37, day 24, 10 dpo)

not surprised since I knew it would be a long shot anyway, but sad cuz I really wanted this cycle to work out because I don't want to be forced to take a 4-6 month break  : (

close to the end

(cycle 37, day 22, 8 dpo)

i'm less than a week away from knowing if we're going to be taking a very long break or if we'll be going east with a little extra luggage. i'm hoping for the latter obviously.

I don't have any glaring symptoms to point to being pregnant so i'm not very hopeful. i'm going to start testing on Wednesday either way. I have an apt on Friday for a tattoo consult. I don't really want to go if I am pregnant because I don't want to pay a deposit if i'm going to have to cancel. i'd like to give the most notice possible, hence testing Wednesday.

here's hoping i'm wrong and there is something brewing inside...

appointment day...

apparently in Canada (or at least according to the specialist), you need to have 3 MCs in order to be termed "recurrent pregnancy loss". while I agree with it, it still sucks having to go through any before any digging is done to look into it further. but with that said, he said that I shouldn't have to wait for another one to do at least some investigating. we can't quite jump to things like chromosome testing and HSGs without raising some eyebrows with the powers that be since they are incredibly expensive tests (and i'm guessing by his statement of this that those tests are free for me to get, its just an expensive thing for the health care to pay for without meeting the criteria of 3 MCs first) so we're doing some preliminary testing first to see if anything pops up.

he gave me requisition form for a whack load of blood tests and an US to check out my uterus.
-antithrombin III
-protein C
-protein S
-APC reistance
-lupus anticoagulant
-antiphospholipid antibodies
-homocysteine
-PT 20210A mutation
-PTT
-ANA
-thyroid antibodies
majority of these are clotting disorder related and the last couple are autoimmune related

once those come back, i'll meet with him again to go over the results. at that point, he'll decide if we should pursue more testing and what course we should take. for now, DH is off the hook, but if the specialist wants chromosome testing done, we're both getting those blood tests. I have to wait til i'm 3 months post MC to get any of the tests done, but that's up Nov 6th so not that much longer and it will probably take at least that long to get the US booked. once I book a day for the US, I can call his office and book the next apt with him since the receptionist said they book about 4 weeks out.

if this cycle is successful, then we wait on testing. ideally i'd carry to term and we won't have to go through this, but if I don't then i'm guessing i'll be getting all this testing done along with the HSG and chromosome testing and whatever else comes with RPL.

last chance for a while

(cycle 37, day 17, 3 dpo)

this is the last cycle we can actually TTC for a while  :'(  realized that the due date for next cycle would prevent us from going east for MIL's wedding and DH really wants to go to see family he hasn't seen in a long time. I wouldn't mind skipping it, but I know it means a lot to him to see that side of his family that I can't do that to him. after that wedding, only a couple months later we have another wedding to go east for and its one I wouldn't miss for anything, my BF's. we've been friends for over 20 years and she's asked me to be a BM. since she doesn't have an official date picked yet, i'm not sure how long of a break we will need to take. there might be a cycle in between that we can try if there's enough time between the 2 weddings, but we might as well wait until around march of 2014 to get back to TTC. it really sucks because its extending the process by half a year after we've already been trying for so long. so much is riding on this cycle.

tomoro is my apt with the specialist finally and i'm hoping that because there is a chance this cycle could work, that he'll be willing to test my progesterone to rule that out. I don't know if he will or if he would just prescribe it as a precaution like my doc did last time, but i'd like to know if progesterone is in fact an issue for me. at least after this cycle, I have time to get a lot of testing done without a pregnancy either cutting it short or skewing results. maybe the threat of testing will be enough to scare my body into working properly and allowing a pregnancy to happen and go to term. its happened for a number of women I know, I just hope I can be one of them...

no words

that about sums it up

what should have been

i should be 20 weeks right now. I should also have seen my baby again, just this time looking like a baby and moving around a whole bunch. today was supposed to be the 20 week US and instead i'm a week away from my specialist appt.

I hate that i'm going through this again. I just want a living, breathing baby. why me?

I want all these milestones to disappear, they aren't helping. the minute I think i'm okay, I realize that our first was supposed to be a year old by now, everyone is supposed to be all excited over my big belly during upcoming holidays. i'm supposed to be flaunting my belly, not desperately hiding it because i'm having a hard time losing my "baby weight" (if you can call it that).

200!

200 posts?! what?!?! can't believe I've made that many posts  : )

(cycle 37, day 8)

anyway... so next week is finally my apt with the specialist. its felt like forever, but yet it feels like just yesterday I was pregnant... i should be Oing this weekend, so i'll already be about 1/3 through my LP by the appt. though right now, i don't know how likely any BDing will be since DH is starting to catch a cold. but the timing of this cycle with when the due date would be, would pretty well work out with most of our plans this coming year and the various trips we have to take. we'll see