I'm afraid I don't have happy news. I wish I had been quiet on the blog because of craziness that resulted in a baby, but in fact, its quite the opposite.
just days after my last post, my DH came to me and dropped a bomb. he wanted to split. at first he told me he wanted to stop ttc, which I was already having ideas of doing the same because of our struggles ttc, and then told me it wasn't just that, he no longer wanted to be married.
its been a long few months of me hoping we could slowly work it out and get back on track like we've done before, but just a couple weeks ago he started pushing for separation and wanting to move out and live separate lives and move on from 'us'.
much too long a story to tell in just one blog post, but i'll try to condense it. I've gone over everything over the last 8 years in my head too many times, so forgive me if I leave details out. partly because I'm actually getting tired of talking about it and because it doesn't matter anymore because what's done is done.
it started that Friday after my last post with the ominous 'we need to talk about something' and then both being too busy through the day and not getting to talk til almost bedtime. he moved out of our bedroom that night.
what followed in the next 2 months was a lot of destructive behavior on his part. not physically destructive, just a lot of going out, hanging out with toxic friends that just exacerbate his behaviors, a lot of drinking, and overall depressing. in those 2 months, he went to Ontario to be with his family for xmas, got a DUI (yep, you read that right) and was not pleasant to be around. I tried to just be there if he needed me but not be asking when he'll be home, still continuing my house duties and doing our groceries and cooking.
after those 2 months, I felt like something shifted and it might be possible for a reconciliation. we were more friendly than we'd been since the day it all started. I was hoping that if given enough time, he would see the error of his ways and change his mind. I had my friend back. not my husband, but the jokey guy I enjoyed being around forever.
3 weeks into march, things shifted again. not in a good way. that's when he started pushing me to tell more ppl so that he could feel free to do what he wanted without ppl thinking badly of him because he's married (or something to that effect). I was hoping I'd still have that friend that I had since mid January, but after that day, he disappeared, seemingly for good. things were tense at home and felt incredibly awkward. in my head I wasn't expecting him to move until after his court date in july (for the DUI), but he wanted out as soon as possible. something about it being better for both of us if we're not in the same house sharing living quarters anymore... at the time that was the opposite of what I felt I needed so it was hard for me to come around to being okay with him moving out so soon when I had told myself it wouldn't be for a few more months. I need time to process big changes and I had already processed it one way in my head and now had to process it all over again in a new way. it was really hard for me and I spent the time between him voicing his want to move out so soon and actually moving out crying a lot.
it was only a week and a half, but I think the hardest week and a half out of the last 5 months. the very beginning was hard, but I kept telling myself it would get better and it was just a phase and he'll snap out of it eventually. maybe in 3 months, maybe in 12, but it would happen. but after he said it wasn't going to work and we needed to make it more permanent, that's when things got real hard.
surprisingly, after he moved out, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I can't explain it, but not having him in the house anymore felt oddly liberating. I didn't feel like I had stopped myself from doing anything through all of this, but I apparently needed him to move out as much as he felt he needed to move out.
its been almost 2 weeks since moving day, and I'm already feeling better about it all. obviously not happy that I'm going to be starting my life all over again, divorced with no kids. but that weight that got lifted was obviously something I didn't know I needed.
anyway, that's all you'll get for now. i'll follow up more frequently, but this blog is obviously going to change direction. I'm not sure how often i'll post, but I promise to keep in touch far more often : )
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