to BC or not to BC?

I've been struggling to find something to blog about given my current life situation. its hard. I don't know what to talk about anymore. I could vent away about a few interactions with XH, but that's not cool of me to do where just anyone could stumble across my blog and see it. and now thinking back, I maybe shouldn't have posted my last blog post  :-/ 

I guess there is a small handful of topics I could talk about. like how I'm trying to decide if I want to go back on BC yet or not. on one hand, it would take the guess work out of when I should be prepared for AF so I'm not surprised by her arrival. but on the other, I'm fairly good at figuring it out (thank you ovulation cramps that seem to be worse now than they were the 4 years of TTC...) and reading all my signs/symptoms, but I have no control over when she shows up. I liked being able to avoid having it while on holidays so I didn't have to pack AF related items with me. I've been off BC for almost 5 years. going back on it isn't exactly something I want to do at this point in my life. I should either be pregnant or still TTC. instead, I'm contemplating BC so that when I do meet a guy, or end up in a friends with benefits situation, there's less chance of an oops when I'm not in a great position to take on the roll of mom. as much as I would love nothing more than to finally be a mom... that's just not the way I want it to happen. I'm lucky in that I know my body very well after years of studying it for TTC purposes, but its kind of awkward to tell a guy "its okay, I'm tracking my fertile signs/symptoms to avoid pregnancy, I've got a few more days or I'm in the last half of my cycle, I'm not fertile". there's also the whole avoiding STI's as well...  : P 

to go along with the internal debate about BC, I'm still waiting for a call from the fertility clinic. yes, the referral went in in October, and yes, I'm still waiting... I never did make a call to cancel it because I was no longer TTC, but after talking to some friends, I'm thinking I should keep it and at least try to get anything to do with me tested so that I'm more informed about my future options. you know, whether i'll be looking for a guy who's open to the idea of having a family or a guy who's okay with not having kids with me. so because of this, I'm thinking about remaining off of BC until I get that testing done. yes, it sucks not having control over AF and if I don't want to have an oops right now, but knowing what's possible in the future is kind of important. it'll help avoid wasting time TTC if I know its just not in the cards, or will help speed up the process knowing if there's something that needs to be done to aid in TTC sooner, rather than later, and not need to wait a year to be put back on an apparently long ass waiting list.

anyway, that's all for now. i'll make another post soon, I promise!